Hi Jeff!

When Donald Trump was elected, the whole left side of the American political spectrum seemed to let out a gasp in unison. There were all kinds of reasons to fear a Republican president, but Trump was a nightmare almost unto itself, and many of us found ourselves wishing it could’ve been Mitt Romney instead. One reason we feared President Trump is that we knew he’d stack his administration with people that had no business being in top levels of government, and thus far he hasn’t disappointed us with his selections in that regard, and you, Senator Sessions, are no exception.

Word on the street is that you might be keen on cracking down on the states that have started to loosen marijuana laws. If you have even a shred of principled backbone in you, you’ll stand clear of the efforts to decriminalize marijuana. You, as a conservative, small-government, anti-Federalist Republican should be the biggest champion of letting each state decide its policy toward marijuana, and drugs in general.

I mean, aren’t you a part of the party that keeps telling us instead of the federal government guaranteeing equal treatment under the law for LGBTQ+ people we should let the states decide individually? Aren’t you in the party that says instead of Roe vs. Wade we should let each state decide whether a woman really can be trusted with her own vagina, or “pussy,” as your boss calls them? Any move, and I mean any move, you make to derail the states’ efforts to end their parts in the war on drugs is a direct violation of the whole notion of “states’ rights” and pretty much makes you a shriveled, old, out of touch hypocritical douchebag.

…and you probably thought all pot smokers were passive, hippie-dippy types, right, Jeffy?

What I find most insulting about your stance on pot, Mr. Sessions, is that you’re clearly interminably stuck in the 1930’s. Now, I’ve come to learn that Republicans have a factory default setting of about 1930 anyway, but when you say stupid shit like, “Good people don’t smoke marijuana” in 2016, you come off triply as dumb as you probably want to. I mean, we’re talking even dumber than getting denied a federal bench in the 80’s because you’re a little racist twerp and then being made the top prosecutor in the country.

Here’s a list of all the terrible, no good, useless people who smoke or smoked pot and never contributed anything to this nation or the world:

  • Michael Phelps – Has won more than 20 Olympic gold medals and is considered the best his sport has ever seen.
  • Carl Sagan – One of the smartest men to ever live, Sagan famously wrote lectures after smoking pot and taking a shower with his wife.
  • Steve Jobs – Jobs not only liked the reefer, he liked LSD too, and he only helped put iPhones in everyone’s hands. No big whoop.
  • Bill Clinton – Some president guy or something.
  • Barack Obama – Oh wait, we all know how you feel about this guy.
  • Oprah Winfrey – Now, I know she’s never supported any candidate you’d vote for, but do you really have an issue with Oprah?
  • Cheech and Chong – C’mon Jeffy, even you have to admit bringing laughter to the masses is a good thing
  • Your Mom – Look, I have no idea if your mom smoked pot, but after watching you conduct yourself in Senate hearings, I’d say most people would need to be on something to be around you. Just saying.

But hey, maybe you need me to appeal to your conservative ideals. I mean, other than the ones that preach governmental restraint and personal freedom and liberty, right Senator Teetotal?

So try this on for size — commerce.

There is a very good conservative argument for legalizing weed and the reason is commerce. In the first five months of this year, Colorado pot shops sold over $486 million dollars worth of weed. I can only assume that they kept that average up, and that they reached about a billion in sales. That is an insanely large new market they created, and that’s just in Colorado. The state with the sixth largest economy in the world — you know, that failure of liberal policies known as California — just legalized recreational weed a couple weeks ago, and starting in 2018 you’ll be able to buy it at shops if you’re over 21. If Colorado can hit about a billion in sales, where do you think California’s receipts are going to end up?

You’re stifling business if you butt-in now, Jeff. I’m pretty sure as a conservative, the worst thing in the world for you is the government stepping into the free market and asserting its dominance. That is still how you conservatives think, right? So maybe you should think of this issue strictly in terms of all the job creators you’d be sidelining, and all the hard working Americans you’d rob of employment opportunities.

Oh, and then there’s the whole issue of what happens to drug cartel war chests when you take a product out of the black market and put it into a regulated one. But I know, you’re not one to be tough on crime, right? Republicans totally always side with criminal kingpins and not the American people who desperately need infrastructure upgrades so our country doesn’t fall even further behind other countries than we already have, right?


Don’t you dare take away our weed, Senator Narc. It’s going to be one of the only thing that gets us through the next four years…being able to drown out the deafening derp of your boss’s administration. By the way, how do you call pot smokers bad people, but work for a guy who bragged about grabbing women’s vaginae whether they wanted him to or not? How does your Christian faith square with that, I wonder? Or do you just drink away your guilt, in an ultimate bit of hypocritical irony?

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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