Dear Congress,

The last thing on Earth I think you should do is set up a full congressional investigation of Russia’s hacking during this year’s election. You definitely shouldn’t make the hearings public, and by all means, please don’t hire a truly independent, non-partisan commission to do the investigation, if you should make the monumental mistake of conducting a full congressional inquiry. Which, again, we the American people most definitely do not want.

Why would we want you guys to help protect our election from outside meddling? What, just because the Electoral College was literally established for the expressed purpose of stopping foreign influence from tipping the scales for one candidate over the other, you think we should be alarmed by another country trying to influence and tip the scales for the guy who won? Jesus, what are you guys a bunch of over-reactionary fools?

Look, I’ve always wanted to learn Russian, okay? It’s just a thing I’ve had my bucket list since I could remember. What better what to learn Russian than by being coerced into it by threat of force from an oppressive, anti-human rights organization like that of the Vladimir Putin regime? If you jerks screw up my chance to learn Russian from real, authentic, jackbooted Russian overlords, I’m going to be so pissed at you.

Hey, I get it, I really do. You’d think that Republicans who were so sure our elections are tainted every single time by voter fraud to the point that they pass onerous voter ID laws to “ensure the vote” would be jumping up and down at the chance to investigate something like international cyber attacks on our elections, but shut up if you do! Those cute little Russian nesting dolls make the BEST holiday gifts, and we have a chance to get them pretty cheaply very soon. Don’t you dare fuck-up my chance to buy authentic Russian nesting dolls, though I guess soon they’d be Russo-American nesting dolls, at decent prices, ass clowns!

If you are going to make the monumental mistake of putting together an independent, bipartisan congressional investigation into the Russian hacking, I beg you, keep all the hearings behind closed doors. The last thing the American public is entitled to is direct evidence that either proves or disproves the entire election — the thing that people literally fought against the most powerful country at the time to establish — was tainted by outside influence. We should always be kept in the dark, because you know, we’re too stupid and/or naive to understand tough concepts like, “Did the Russians hack our shit, and did any campaign or candidate know they were hacking our shit?” So just keep us all totally guessing. That makes way more sense than exposing the whole truth and letting people have discourse, debate, and eventual consensus over a plan of action.

Now, listen, this is vitally important. Some of you just had your party win the White House for the first time in almost a decade. It’s really important for the good of the Republic that you focus only on the fact that you control all three branches of government, and not on whether there was a serious and potentially dangerous infiltration of our very system of self-governance. Some things are more important than your countrymen.

Political victory is chief among those things. Party over people is noble and good, no matter what other people might tell you to the contrary.

The truth isn’t really all that important anymore, anyway. Think about it. A man was just elected who has broken seminal campaign promises before he’s even sworn-in, and no one who voted for him is acting all that upset by it. He won’t “lock her up,” and if people think he’s going to actually repeal Obamacare before he has something in line to replace it, they’re not thinking about what the optics of twenty million people losing health insurance would do to a man who actually cares what people think about him, despite what he says.

Do we really want potentially impeachable evidence to come to light? I mean, don’t we want to spend the next four years white-knuckling through every 3am coked-up tweet that our president-elect decides to send? Isn’t it in fact much better to just turn a blind eye to even the potential of a corrupted election instead of doing everything in our power to uncover the whole, unvarnished truth about what happened?

And again, let me reiterate — you better keep us all totally in the dark if you do make the awful decision to investigate just how dirty Russia and Putin got their fingers. For the love of all that is holy, don’t treat us like adults. Don’t treat us like the people who, I don’t know, pay your fucking salaries. That would be ridiculous of you, because let’s face it…your salary we pay you doesn’t come close to the campaign donations you get from lobbyists, and unless those lobbyists demand an investigation, what reason would you all have to act?

The bottom line is very simple here, Congress. You can either do your jobs as laid out in the Constitution and investigate the CIA’s pretty damning conclusions about Russia’s influence in the 2016 election, or you can do what you’re really good at instead…ignoring a problem like it doesn’t exist in the first place. That’s the course of action I’d recommend. You didn’t get those stunning, single-digit approval ratings by doing your job; so why start now?



P.S. You guys have a tendency to — *cough* universal background checks *cough* — not do what the people actually want, so I thought I’d try something different in this letter. Did it work, you know, unlike you guys?

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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