Melania Trump is everything the average Republican should despise in a First Lady, yet they rabidly support her anyway. Criticize Melania for something Republicans have long criticized Democratic First Ladies for, and Trump fans fire back with “You’re just jealous because she’s beautiful!” or “Shut up! She makes more money than you do!”

Looks and money are all that seem to matter to them. Of course being white doesn’t hurt either. Just ask Michelle Obama, who was – and still is – constantly compared to a gorilla by Republicans, some of them elected officials. See, and, and

But why defend Melania so rabidly? I don’t remember anyone supporting Laura Bush with this kind of fervor. Admittedly, politics weren’t as divisive then.

Is it simply because Melania’s willing to put up with their obese, oafish messiah? Or is it because she’s enviably beautiful, elegant, and rich? Could her supporters really be that superficial?

You know Melania must mean something to Trump supporters—especially women—when Breitbart begins to feature stories about, of all things, her fashion sense

No way, Breitbart! She changed her clothes aboard Air Force One? You’re really galvanizing the right wing there. That’s some cutting-edge journalism.

The fact is, if we were still living in a world in which integrity actually mattered to the party in power, Trump’s base would find Melania objectionable for a number of reasons. Here are a few of them:

Melania worked illegally as an undocumented immigrant. Remember all of Trump’s führerious ranting on the campaign trail about illegal immigrants working in America, taking citizens’ jobs, and sponging off the system?  Melania did the very same thing.

Why doesn’t this bother Trump’s base? Short answer: Beautiful, fair-skinned Slovenians aren’t as objectionable as “dirty,” brown Mexicans.

Melania has been photographed nude: handcuffed to a briefcase and naked in bed embracing another naked woman. Here’s the former pic:, and here’s the latter.

So where’s the outrage, Bible thumpers? I thought you had a problem with pornography because it demeans women? But photos published in major magazines that demean women are somehow different? Or is it just that you don’t think being naked and handcuffed to a briefcase is actually demeaning?

Yeah, I can understand that last one since your rich Evangelical leaders have already shackled themselves to a big old briefcase full of money for Trump, selling out their “deeply-held” values to a man with no morals who isn’t even a Christian.

And you know how you guys don’t want to legalize gay marriage? I guess it’s okay to pretend to be gay for money? Mmkay.

Melania tried to cash in on her White House connection to make money. In a lawsuit against the Daily Mail, which insinuated she had worked as an escort, Melania’s lawyer argued: “Plaintiff had the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as an extremely famous and well-known person, as well as a former professional model and brand spokesperson, and successful businesswoman, to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multi-million dollar business relationships for a multi-year term during which Plaintiff is one of the most photographed women in the world” (

This is a lot of complicated verbiage to wade through if you’re someone who relies on Trump’s tweets as your major source of news, so let me break it down for you: The key phrase here is “multi-year term.” This means that the Trumps intended from the start to use the presidency for their own financial gain. This was made manifestly clear when they tried to use the White House website to sell Melania’s products.

This should be a problem for any American. Imagine if Michelle…wait, let me speak to Trump fans on their level…imagine if Moochelle Obummer had tried to hawk a line of, say, active wear on the White House website? We’d still be hearing about it.

Melania has wasted millions in taxpayer money for no good reason. Perhaps a million dollars a day for Trump Tower security alone.

Why should we be paying for Melania to live and travel separately from Trump? I mean, let’s face it: What we’re really paying for is for her to escape the indignity of being mounted on a daily basis by a wheezing, out-of-shape septuagenarian, right?

And why should we just accept that she hasn’t moved to D.C. yet because she didn’t want Barron to have to change schools, when no other First Family would have gotten away with using that same excuse?

Melania’s outright rejection of her role and the honor that comes with it is a bitch slap in the face to all of you self-proclaimed American patriots. Don’t you get it? She has no interest in being your First Lady — except when there’s an excuse for an international fashion show, like Trump’s recent overseas tour. She’s a grifter who is perfectly content living on the proceeds from Trump’s conflicts of interest, staying clear of responsibility to our country until she has to be trotted out to put on her act.

I know some of you think it’s hilarious that New York City has to pay for her security because that’s what those libtards deserve, right? Be careful what you wish for: The GOP is bleeding your states dry too, but unlike New York State, where our elected officials actually tend to be humans, not Siths in cowboy hats and KKK hoods, you’re going to be hit where it hurts most: entitlements, healthcare, and education.

Melania is nothing like Trump’s base, Republicans who have long insisted that they want to see people in the White House who are “just like them.” Remember when Sarah Palin, with the help of her handlers, coasted all the way to a VP nomination on a campaign with no more substance than “I’m just a working Mom like you, you betcha!” And Republicans actually fell for it?

How to explain Melania’s appeal, then? She wasn’t born here (clearly, that’s important to Republicans or “birtherism” wouldn’t be part of our lexicon); she’s never done blue-collar work; she has hired help to take care of her personal maintenance, homes, and child; and she spends an obscene amount of money on beauty products, food, travel, parties, and high fashion.

Case in point: She wore a $51,000 Dolce & Gabbana jacket in Sicily at the G7 Summit Funny how Breitbart’s story about it celebrated her fashion victory over the other G7 wives, but left out the crucial detail of how much the jacket cost. Why? Because Republicans excoriated Michelle Obama over and over again for wearing clothes that cost a fraction of that amount.

Here’s an example of one of those pieces: “The Painful Irony of Michelle Obama’s $12,000 Dress.” How’s that painful irony working for you now, Republicans?

While we’re on the subject of irony, I should mention the comments section of the Breitbart story on Melania’s jacket. There’s comment after comment praising Melania, and then one castigating Macron’s wife because “She’s 64 years old, twenty-five years older than her husband, and dressed like she was sixteen. Not an attractive look.”

Um, hey idiots, your President is seventy years old and married to a forty-seven year old woman. Sexist much?

Ultimately, there is nothing at all relatable about Melania. She literally lives in a golden tower. If you’re a Republican who still insists the Trumps sympathize with you and want to make your life better, you’re delusional AF.

Melania, like Ivanka, has no real interest in empowering other women. This final point is obviously directed at people who think Republicans even bother to care about empowering women at all. The rest of us, however, live in the real world.

There are lots of ways to prove this, but one recent example illustrates it perfectly: Trump fans celebrated Melania’s refusal to wear a headscarf when she visited Saudi Arabia, as if this were some bold statement about Saudi women’s rights, yet they were silent when she wore a veil at the Vatican.

If Melania were truly interested in empowering women, she would have taken a stand by refusing to enter the Vatican if she had to wear a veil. Here’s why: The custom of wearing both headscarf and veil were imposed on women for the same reasons — to symbolize their subjugation to men and to cover up their hair so they’re not a temptation to them.

Melania’s fans, of course, will argue that she had to wear a veil because she’s a devout Catholic, but I’m not buying it. We never heard a thing about her Catholicism until last week. And if she’s so devout, why did she have to read the Lord’s Prayer off a cheat sheet at Trump’s Melbourne rally?

No, the simple reason her Catholicism is being shoved in our face is that white Catholics are voting Republican now.

By the way, Michelle Obama shouldn’t get a pass on this either. Until an American serving in an official capacity breaks with this custom, we’re merely protesting Muslim misogyny while bolstering Catholic misogyny.

Taking all of these issues into consideration, I’d like to end with a few questions for Melania’s supporters:

When is she going to move into the White House? When will she stop wasting our money on security?  When will she start taking her job seriously? Because it is a job. She and Trump work for us.

When is she going to start working on that cyberbullying platform? (Remember when you crucified Michelle Obama for working on hers? You know, the campaign to make sure your kids ate healthy school lunches? How dare she!) Or maybe she realizes how ridiculous her platform is when she’s married to the biggest cyberbully in history?

When is Melania going to give a speech that comes from her heart (assuming there’s something more than a gold nugget where her heart should be) and not one read from a piece of paper or stolen from her predecessor?

When is she going to start acting like a Catholic? Or was the black-veiled Sister Wives of Satan act she pulled with Ivanka just for show?

And when are you going to start subjecting her and this presidency to the same scrutiny with which you ripped apart the Obamas?

Just asking for sixty-six million friends.

Because unlike before (when you still had the luxury of counting on healthcare, when you didn’t have to send your kids off to an unnecessary war to prop up your president’s flaccid ego, when we still had allies abroad, and when we weren’t owned by Russia), this time our lives might actually depend on it.


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