You know what I love about being a comedian who covers politics? I can gloat. And I can gloat particularly hard when a regressive representative of religious repression gets his remedial ass handed to him, such as when evangelical homophobe extraordinaire Mike Huckabee does so poorly in the Iowa caucuses that he has to drop out of the Republican Primary; that’s a cause for gloating if ever there was one.

The best part is that it wasn’t that long ago that people thought this bumpkin had a chance to be president. In 2008 he actually won the Iowa caucus, and I’m guessing that’s why he’s thought that the last two election cycles were God calling him to run. So what I want to ask Huckabee is the same question I’ll want to ask Rick Santorum when he finally comes to his frothy senses and quits the race too:

Did you, God, or the voters change their minds?

I mean, clearly if God’s plan was for Hucky to be the president, God’s either changed or mind or God’s a shitty planner. Now, I will say that someone whose solution to an oopsie is to flood an entire planet and kill every living species on it (though how would that work against creatures that live under water?) does seem to have a bit of a lack of foresight. But I also know that if I were to insinuate that God’s plan isn’t perfect, that would upset Mike and many of his fellow evangelicals.

Clearly, then, it was God’s plan to troll the living shit out of Mike Huckabee, and that’s pretty sweet.

“Mike! This is God,” he’d say, barely containing an ear-to-Godly-ear grin.

“God! Command me, Oh Lord, what I am I to do with my life,” Huckabee would answer back.

“Um, I want you to run for president,” a snicker, “yeah, that’s it. You’ll win it all this time, Mike.”

But since God’s like, this unprovable deity and shit, we have to sort of presume that all didn’t happen. Did Mike himself change his mind? Given that he couldn’t muster a single delegate in Iowa this week, it does make one wonder if he’d lost hope and gave up trying. Something, though, tells me he’d be offended by this assault on his work ethic, he of the magic boostraps/campaign donation charity. So…I guess that means…

Voters thought Mike Huckabee was electorial AIDS mixed with electoral diarrhea with a side of electoral dick cancer. Oh sure, the Jesus Freaks love him. He wrote a book that had both “God” and “guns” in the title, so clearly he’s a salt of the earth religious fundamentalist bigot asshole. But what we’re seeing is that he’s just not as appealing a alt of the earth religious fundamentalist bigot asshole as Teddy Cruz, who ended up winning Iowa.

Boy if I were Huck I’d be smarting right now, because literally no one likes Ted Cruz, and yet…he won and Huckabee ended up placing behind even Ben Carson, who scientists now believe may have literally been sleepwalking through the campaign up to this point. His time has come, but the question as always is will he read the tea leaves correctly and exit stage right?

Let’s hope this means that in four years we won’t see Huckabee gamboling back into the race. He should figure three strikes means he’s out. He couldn’t even win the caucus in a state that he won less than a decade ago. Clearly he’s in the “Sunday morning talk show” phase of his career, but like Newt Gingrich before him, I think it’s also obvious that Huck’s outsized ego will prevent him from knowing it’s time to hang up his spurs, so I look forward to chastising him over God’s trolling in four more years.


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