It’s almost impossible to keep up with all the ridiculous excuses Donald Trump’s campaign has put out in response to the hot mic scandal, but I have tried to put my favorites together, for posterity.

How do you go about defending the indefensible? Get wildly creative and absurd, I guess. These are my favorites.

Policy adviser Sam Clovis: They were made before he “revitalized his faith. Those of us that have gotten to know him know the journey that he has been on to his faith.”

Yes, it sounds like our baby Christian has already had to re-up or something…maybe…like ask again? A buy one get one free special for the King of Deals!

Jeff Sessions: “I don’t characterize that as sexual assault. I think that’s a stretch. I don’t know what he meant — I don’t know. It’s not clear that he — how that would occur.”

Uh…yeah…uh…what he said.

Eric Trump:  “I think sometimes when guys are together they get carried away, and sometimes that’s what happens when alpha personalities are in the same presence.”

This one cracks my shit up. These little pissants think of themselves as alpha dogs? Bwahahahhahaha! mmk.

Betsy McCaughey, the Republican former lieutenant governor of New York and a current adviser to Donald Trump: “Hillary Clinton expresses that she finds the language on that bus horrific,” McCaughey said, “but in fact she likes language like this: ‘I came to slay bitch, when he f me good I take his ass to Red Lobster.’”
These are lyrics from the pop star Beyoncé’s song “Formation.” McCaughey continued, arguing that Clinton was hypocritical for criticizing Trump’s predatory remarks because she “idolized” and “imitated” Beyoncé, who has used racy language in some of her songs.

I recommend watching the video of this. If you like Beyoncé, you aren’t allowed to be offended by sexual assault. I don’t think it will protect this idiot from Beyoncé, though, who I hope comes and kicks her ass for being so freaking stupid.

Trump himself: “I’ve had a lot of women come up to me and say, ‘Boy, I’ve heard that, and I’ve heard a lot worse than that over my life.'”

Lots of people are saying…

Kellyann Conway: “And this is a man I’ve been alone with many times who’s never been anything but gracious and [a] gentleman and elevated me to the top level of his campaign, the way he’s elevated women in the Trump organization for decades, because he respects women.”

Blah, blah, Kellyann.

Ben Carson: “That kind of banter goes around all the time. As I was growing up, people were always trying to talk about their sexual conquests, and trying to make themselves appear, you know, like the Don, you know, Casanova. I’m surprised you haven’t heard that, I really am.”

This is my favorite. First, I’m never going to be able to use the expression, “It doesn’t take a brain a surgeon” again. This jerkoff really want on to say that people wouldn’t be offended if they were just exposed to this sort of language more often. OH! Lemme get my daughter right now and read it to her…no. 

I hate all these people that make excuses for Donald Trump and his horrible behavior. The nicest thing I can think of to say about any of them isn’t they are losing and will hopefully all drop off the side of the flat earth in November, and we will never, ever have to listen to another word from any of them ever again. Amen.


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