This story was first published on Alternative Facts.
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — When Larry “God” Schumway strode to the podium in front of the famous pearly gates that adorn the entrance to his 5-Star luxury afterlife timeshare, the tension in the air was palpable according to many who there to witness it.
God was angry, visibly. He could be overheard telling his staff earlier in the day that he was so enraged his “flooding finger” was twitching, and he was tempted to unleash one on a very specific location — Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ office at the Department of Justice. As angry as he was, however, by the time he took a deified breath, his voice was firm, but lacked any outwardly detectable traces of pure, unfiltered rage. He did, however, not hold back when using a string of obscenities to describe Mr. Sessions and his policy of separating migrant children from their parents when they cross the southern U.S. border illegally.
“It has come to my attention that some of our future timeshare holders are down on Earth right now using our company’s brochures and pamphlets as justifications for human rights violations,” Schumway said as he started the heavenly presser. “Let me just say this right here and right now — fuck that shit, and completely and efficiently fuck anyone who supports this policy. Invisible lines in the dirt aren’t a reason to take a baby from its mother, ever.”
God was referring to President Donald Trump’s administrative policy of separating migrant children from their parents, even when their parents are legally seeking asylum. News reports have shown hundreds of immigrant children packed into centers made out of converted WalMart and other big box stores of late, and the pressure is starting to mount on the White House to change their policy.
Schumway said he is so “shocked and amazed” that someone claiming to be a Christian would support the Trump administration’s “zero tolerance” policy that it took him a few days to write his rebuke of it. One reporter asked God what he’d tell Attorney General Sessions, if he could. Schumway unleashed a torrent of obscenities.
“I would say that someone should tell Jeff Sessions to stop using me justify being an evil, shriveled, racist cunt, that’s what I’d say the thrust of my message is, Billy,” God said with some spite in his tone. “Christianity is named after my son, Jesus Christ. Jesus was sent down there to specifically get those humans to stop treating people at the bottom of the pile like garbage, and yet, here we are with Sessions, that wrinkled fuck, using Jesus to justify this horrific child abuse? Has he never heard the song ‘Jesus Loves the Little Children’ before?”
God doesn’t accept White House’s insistence that they are merely following the law in regards to separating migrant children from their parents, he said.
“As far as I’ve been made aware, there’s no law on the books that says you have to be an asshole to kids and their parents,” God said. “So, I don’t even get the whole ‘following the law’ sack of shit excuse they’re using. Nazis were just following the law, too, assholes. Slave owners too.”
Schumway said he is considering cancelling millions of timeshare contracts in response to Trump’s policy.
“I don’t want anyone’s business if they’re such garbage people that they’ll turn a blind eye, or even worse cheer when children are intentionally orphaned because their parents cross an imaginary line,” God said. “I reserve the right to refuse service to douchebags, and I will always reserve that right.”