Dear America —
I can’t be the only person who thinks it’s both hilarious and the biggest “WHAT THE FUCK?” moment ever that Donald Trump is being taken seriously by the media and politicians right now. Am I?
I mean, it’s DONALD FUCKING TRUMP. This guy was a culturally-accepted, unanimously appointed dickdouche in the 1980’s. That’s, like, in the last century. People in — what some alive today could legitimately call — “The Olden Times” knew that Donald Trump was a buffoon and a phony baloney piece of shit. And now? Now the press and politicians are treating him with respect, like they would in any other year, because he’s running for president.
This fuckstick is just shy of 300 Electoral Votes away from having the nuclear launch codes. I mean, guys, THIS FUCKING GUY could be our next president, all because instead of doing nothing but mocking him every chance we got, we were wringing our hands over what happens if he becomes president. Look at this dummy:
To be fair, a couple concessions:
- Politicians are not really that much more respectable a lot than Trump, so it’s sort of like the shit calling the fart “stinky” when they call him out for saying racist stuff…out loud. He should know that racist shit is to be couched in other ways so as to make it sound intellectual and high-minded. He’s fucking up their con, in other words.
- The press can’t really be blamed. They’re used to covering people that at least took the job seriously, or pretended to enough to not be DONALD FUCKING TRUMP. But over the years, they’ve grown more and more accustomed to treating every fuckwit with a reality show like someone who had a thought worth sharing. Like, you know, some asshole on a blog ranting about politics.
All that being conceded , it’s time for all of us to stop treating Donald Trump with respect. I know, we’re supposed to respect the office he’s running for…but Jesus Christ, as much as the dude was terrible for the country, even Ronald Reagan never sold out Mexico’s government as being willing participants in some bullshit, right-wing conspiracy theory about silently taking over our country.
Trump paints not only in hues of nonsense, he often goes through long stretches where his medium is outright conspiracy theory bullshit. Dude was the King of the Birthers a few years ago. He’s retweeted verified white supremacist bullshit propaganda dressed-up as crime stats. He’s been endorsed by David Duke and actual, honest to God Klansmen. This guy is a warehouse full of asshole if ever there was one, but we’re all supposed to respect him enough to treat him even with the kind of respect we treat Michele Bachmann with?
Get the fuck outta here.
This guy has been getting absolutely roasted by comedians and intelligent people for years. He’s not worthy of anything but unrelenting mocking. Nothing that he says should be taken seriously, and I have no problem with any debate moderators from here on out literally laughing out loud and giving him the finger every time he talks. That’s not even the cavernous bottom floor of the level of disrespect Donald Trump is deserving of.
I won’t go so far as to say I wish any ill on him, and definitely not if he’s actually elected. I mean, fuck’s sake, anything happens to him and we’re left with the certain pig-fuck moron he’s going to choose as his Vice Presidential candidate. So no, if he’s elected you hope to God he finishes his four year term and there is at least a burrito covering or two left for us all to share. Because even if he’s impeached, we still are left with whoever his Veep is.
And as poetically just as it would be for us to finally get the President Palin this country so richly deserves sometimes…I kinda don’t want to have to help my family navigate a post-Trumpalyptic world.
Then again, let’s really really get rilly rill. Trump is not going to win. If you were a conspiracy theorist, he’s almost too perfect a Heel for Hillary to wrestle, if you know what I mean. If Trump wins, it will be because something disastrous happens between now and November and it’s all Hillary’s fault. And I mean it’d have to be something like her being caught literally selling dead American babies to Satan or something.
Even then most people will still elect Hillary over him. Hell, if I lived in a swing state I’d be holding back vomit as I voted for her.
I’m not a conspiracy nut though, and he is already on record as King Birther. So, yeah, he’s very truly a verified, racist piece of shit. So again, he’s not going to win. If he does, then fuck me for breaking my rule about not predicting things…but he’s not going to win.
We should not be taking this walking garbage fire seriously. We should not be legitimizing him by acting as if he belongs in the same conversation as Honest Abe or George Washington.
Why am I talking about all this now? Because it’s time to hate on Donald Trump as a truly more perfect union, that’s why. As one Nation, Under Dog.
I don’t care if you’re Bernie or Bust, With Her, don’t like politics, are into butt stuff, play Nintendo in the nude while you eat Nutter Butters®, or are — eww — a Facebook-style libertarian — make fun of his goofy ass every chance you get. Seriously. Do ALL OF THIS.
Conservatives, if you happen to be drunk and reading this heavily slanted website be honest with yourselves. Are you going to vote for Trump? Really?
I didn’t think so.
Come everyone, let us gallop in the glen of The Mockery of Donald The Douche, and let us sup from the teat of Fuck Donald Trump In His Big, Stupid, Orange Face. And if you don’t want to do that… Just, seriously, don’t vote for the fuck.
Because you know what? Despite what people say, it’s not those of us who are choosing to either write Bernie in or vote for Jill Stein who would be electing Donald Trump. It would be the sad, unfortunate souls who are voting for him.
So, um #FeelThisMath: Trump can’t win if he gets zero votes.
Don’t want President Trump? Then let’s start making fun of him, instead of treating him like a deserves anything other than that.