Guys, settle down okay? Stop freaking out, Liberals of America, just because President Donald Trump booted CNN and Buzzfeed out of all future press briefings. Just because The Los Angeles Times and The New York Times were also barred, that still doesn’t mean Trump is trying to, like, setup some kind of fascist regime where the only press outlets that get access to him are the ones he likes. I mean, that would be, like, way antithetical to the First Amendment’s protection of a free and fair press, and Trump’s a Republican, guys.

Republicans love the Constitution so much we have to put it behind glass so they won’t lube up and try to fuck it. There’s no way they’d elect a guy who would do a Nixonian heel-turn so fast it makes your head spin. There’s no chance they’d elect an empty-headed puppet that would let his far-right loony administration convince him that subverting the free press is totally American and won’t in any way, shape or form hurt his standing with the American people. That’s just crazy talk.

Administrations that respect the First Amendment always bar media outlets they don’t like, don’t you know?

Maybe it’s not fascist to cut off people whose opinions you don’t like from covering you. Maybe it’s, like, fascist to assume that just because the people have a right to information the government has and to give the press the right to find that information out for us. Maybe it’s totally fascist to have a free press, and instead it’s actually way more pro-freedomy if the president just cuts off media outlets by executive dictate.

This is nothing like Russia, either, folks. Oh sure, just because Vlad Putin spent considerable time delegitimizing and and undermining the press, that doesn’t mean this is the same thing. For starters, Russia and America aren’t even, like, in the same ZIP code, everyone. So just chill out. Just because things look, feel, and effectively are the exact same, that doesn’t mean they’re like, the same and shit, okay?

Look, sure, Hitler totally went to war the press too. Sure, Hitler railed against them as the “lying press” for months. And yeah, he crushed the media so that he could run roughshod everyone, but so what? Like, shut up, libtards! AMERICA! AMERICA! LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!

Hey, maybe the press has been asking for it. I mean, how many times can you accurately report the words that come out of Trump’s mouth before he gets tired of being quoted accurately? How many times can you report facts as they come to light before you realize you’re fake news? I mean, it’s this simple: Obey the president or die in a fire. That’s how America works, and the press is not above the law, okay?

I’m pretty sure when George Jefferson and Joe Ben Franklin and Johnny Two Cunts Adams created this country they weren’t all like, “Hey, we should let the press cover the government freely so as not to give the people the idea that their government is hiding things from them,” everyone. I’m pretty sure the only reason they mention the press in the Constitution is that Patrick Henry was really into lifting weights. What possible reason would the founders have for creating a free press, protected by the very first amendment to our founding document?

I mean, sure, it would be really helpful for us if our media was able to, say, expose a deep conspiracy between a foreign entity and a presidential campaign. It might be helpful if, say, that campaign wound-up winning, and there were still lingering doubts about said foreign collusion if there was, oh I don’t know, some kind of media thingy that could report it to the people, so they know what their president did or didn’t do. And before you say it, assholes, there is no way Trump and his crew are doing this to distract us from that Russian thing, okay? So just save it.

Just because it seems like it’d help them if they freeze out media outlets that have been aggressively digging into the Russian story, that doesn’t mean we have to be suspicious of Trump cutting off access to them right? That seems like paranoia. Just simple, libtarded paranoia.

Oh, and there’s no way this could come back and bite Trump in his orange ass, either.

It’s not like this will spur CNN, Buzzfeed, or The L.A. and New York Times to pour even more resources into exposing the truth, right guys? It’s not like those outlets will just keep right on digging, right? And I mean, as soon as Trump cuts them off, that means no one will watch their programs or read their articles right? Like, all the millions of people who think Trump is full of shit, dangerously unqualified, and likely in bed with Russia will just stop caring about that story now that the president has made an authoritarian swipe at people who are trying to get to the truth of the matter, right?



Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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