After about a month in office, we know one thing for certain about Team Trump: They leak. Which of course is very appropriate considering the Big Cheese is a guy who allegedly enjoys the urinary delights of Russian prostitutes. Mr. Trump does not like the leaks, no sir he does not. He’s downright pissed about them even and when on a little Twitter tirade against them, too.
You can tell how angry Trump was by the fact that he fired off the tweets in rapid succession. Of course, someone should probably remind him that he absolutely loved leaks during the election. But then again hypocrisy and Donald Trump go together like racist conspiracy theories and Donald Trump, don’t they?
One thing I know for goddamn certain is that if Trump’s team is leaking like this, chances are more than a handful of them loath him. Which in turn means they probably have a few really fun nicknames for him. Which got me to thinking, what might some of those nicknames be? So I came up with this list. How’d I do?
25 Names Donald Trump’s Staff Calls Him Behind His Back
#25. The Tangerine Twatwaffle
This is wishful thinking. I’ve been calling him this for about a month now, and I just secretly hope someone on the White House staff saw it and ran with it.
#24. Apricot Pol Pot
Rhyming and making fun of his “interesting” choice of spray on tan? Now that’s what I call “winning.”
#23. Agent Orange
It’s probably not fair to compare Trump to something so toxic and responsible for the pain and suffering of so many. Of course I mean it’s unfair to Agent Orange to make that comparison, natch.
#22. Dudley Dursley
62 million votes? 62 million votes? But last year, last year Vladimir told me I’d have 65 million votes! Where’s the other 3 million votes? They voted illegally for Harry, didn’t they Mummy?
#21. Kim Jong-Dum
The late North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and his son, current dictator Kim Jong-Un are known for their insanely obvious and stupid self-aggrandizement. During the course of his life, Kim Jong-Il told some serious whoppers, including one that said he never, ever took a shit. I sort of view Trump’s obsession with “winning” the popular vote the same way.
#20. Jabba The Trump
It’s really only a matter of time before he chains Kellyanne Conway to his dais and forces her under threat of rancor devouring to dance for him.
#19. Captain Shit-Dick
Like Bond’s “GoldenEye” but you know, with Russian whore piss.
#17. Darth Race Baiter
Trump actually used to be a more progressive guy. Well, if you ignore that whole “got sued for racist landlord practices in the 1970s” thing. But really, he used to be a much more open minded guy, at least publicly. Then, he was turned to the dark side by Steve Bannon and company, and we got the a-hole we see before us today, the Dark Lord Of The Bullshith.
#16. Adolf Tweetler
If Hitler had been able to use Twitter, God only knows what kind of horrific shit he’d tweet. Then again, something tells me that Hitler and his people would have a lot of the same twitter followers. In fact, I have a feeling if Hitler were to send a tweet, within two seconds you’d see a bot posting an ad for “Jewish Tears” coffee mugs and then another bot would have a fourteen tweet conversation with that first bot about the Jewish Tears coffee mug, clearly two bots interacting with the same exact conversation over and over again.
#15. Extra Dicky Nixon
To say that Trump’s first month has been Nixonian would be an understatement, and actually a little unfair to ol’ Nixon. I mean, at least when Tricky Dick was treasonous, it was only because he wanted personal glory, so he went behind President Johnson’s back to negotiate with the Vietcong. Trump’s got Nixon beat there. He’s a full-blown puppet executive of a foreign power, and he’s already started singling out media outlets he’ll talk to and ones he won’t. Nixon wishes he could have been as shitty a president as Trump has been.
#14. B-Team George W. Bush
Even George W. Bush, idiot of all idiots, knew it was dangerous and stupid to imply all Muslims are terrorists. But Team Trump? Well, they’re the Breitbart reading fuckwits who think that it’s un-American and wrong to criticize Christians who want to put God in the classroom or control a woman’s reproductive decisions, but we should think nothing of acting like all Muslims are terrorists. The math doesn’t work that way and when you find yourself pining for the statesmanship and intelligence of George W. Bush…
#13. Western Bacon Jefferson Davis
The KKK’s newspaper endorsed Trump. It’s safe to say their favorite American president is Confederate President Jeff Davis. But Trump is, um, much more, well, corpulent than Davis was. So he’s like the Western Bacon version of Davis. Just as racist, but far tubbier.
#12. Forrest Trump
#11. The Douchebag In Chief
This one’s like shooting really dumb fish in an insanely stupid barrel.
#10. Donald Cuck
This one is pure irony, since Trump’s legion of mouth-breathing trogs love to call any male they see as being “weak” a cuck. So it must drive Trump crazy knowing that people on his staff call him this. Of course, other than his name, Trump doesn’t share a whole lot in common with Donald Duck. But…
#9. Screwed McFuck
Trump may not have a lot in common with the famous Disney duck other than his name, but when it comes to Donald Duck’s super-rich uncle, Scrooge McDuck, that’s a whole different story. We hear that Trump’s money bin is not as impressive as Scrooge’s, and his hands are most definitely smaller than the cartoon duck’s. But when it comes to an unabashed love for and worship of money, well Scrooge and Donny have a lot more in common.
#8. Sarah Palin With Bigger Tits And A Smaller IQ
#7. President Whiny Bitch
You know wasn’t bringing up his Electoral College victory every thirty seconds? George W. Bush. Dude got into the Oval Office the same way Herr Trump did, but unlike Donny Dumper, he wasn’t so fragile that he had to make up for not being popular by bragging about getting his participation trophy, the Electoral College win. Between constantly howling about his victory and crying over every negative story in the press, if his staff doesn’t call him President Whiny Bitch, you have to wonder what’s wrong with them.
#6. Capt. James T. Jerk
He’s the one at the helm of the Starship Failed Enterprise. That’s the ship that had to file for bankruptcy four times because it’s not as good at being a starship as it’s claimed to be for decades.
#5. President Jr.
We all know it’s not Trump pulling the strings. It’s Bannon. Or it’s Pence. Or it’s Putin. So no matter what, Trump is someone’s junior.
#4. Pickle Juice
Because of the jars of piss he probably has hidden under his bed in the White House for “special parties” whenever Vlad Putin’s in town. Just sayin’ he likes Russian whore piss, is all. NBD.
#3. Mrs. Pattinson
For awhile, Trump was obsessed with actor Robert Pattinson. Kristen Stewart actually talked about it in her SNL monologue recently. When she and Pattinson were going through very public relationship issues, Trump begin to bully Stewart and be overly chummy with Pattinson on Twitter. Because that’s what adults do, stick their noses into everyone’s business.
#2. Boss Hog
#1. Hopefully Impeached Soon
Oh, wait. I apologize. This one isn’t what his staff calls him. This is what every rational, sane, thinking human being on the planet calls him.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.