If there’s one thing that Donald Trump knows about, it’s sacrifice. During his dust-up with the family of a fallen Muslim American soldier during the Iraq War, Trump was mocked for saying he knew what it was like to make sacrifices for America too. Some/many/every human being with a pulse and an IQ north of their shoe size scoffed at and even mocked Trump for making such a statement. But after we did some deep-dive research into the matter, we found that Donald Trump has indeed sacrificed a great deal for this country, and here are five of those things right now!
#5. Pointy Hood Hair
A lot of Americans want to look good. A lot of Americans insist that their hair be perfectly coiffed when they leave the house. But not Donald Trump! He barely has what scientists even recognize as “hair” on his head. But even beyond that, Trump is the only presidential candidate to be willing to be seen in public with hat or even hood hair. Do you know how bad hood hair can make you look? Let’s put it this way — think of how bad Trump looks in general, then add, like, ten or fifteen times more ugliness with pointy hood hair.
#4. His Secret Incestuous Masturbatory Fantasies
Being rich entitled Mr. Trump to doing whatever he wants, whenever-the-fuck he wants to. But even rich guys aren’t really encouraged to have incestuous fantasies about their offspring. So you know what Trump does? He does a really, really good job at hiding his weird thing for his daughter…for YOU, America. You’re welcome.
#3. He Personally Purchases Every Book Burned At His Rallies
Books are really expensive. Most people attending Trump rallies don’t even read books for fear of being labeled a “libtarded elitist.” So when Donald wants to hold a book burning at one of his rallies guess who foots the bill? If you said “Mexico,” you’ll be right after the election. For now though, it’s Trump. He buys the literature that his supporters can heave into a knowledge pyre.
#2. Using His Third Or Fourth Choice In Bankruptcy Attorneys
When a company of yours files for bankruptcy, it’s the surest sign ever that you are a brilliant businessman with a brilliant mind for brilliant business. But what sucks is when your go-to bankruptcy attorney is in the Bahamas the week you have to file Chapter 11. Then you find out your second choice is out of town too. So what do you do? You have to call your third, or maybe even fourth choice in bankruptcy lawyers. And Trump is willing to do just that, for you, the American people.
#1. Not Saying Every Racist Thing He Thinks Up
Look, we live in a free country, okay? And that means Donald Trump should feel not just entitled, but rather compelled to say racist things about Mexican immigrants. If he doesn’t, he’s totally wasting the Constitution (which he as ABSOLUTELY read, libtards!) and the First Amendment (which he’s pretty sure comes first of all the amendments) if he doesn’t say horrible stuff about non-white people. But you know what? He also gets that sissy-panted liberals don’t like it when people make wide, sweeping judgments about people based on their ethnicity, so he doesn’t say every racist thing he thinks of. At least 20% of it never leaves his lips. So there, you Sensitive Sallies!
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.