Dear Planet Earth,

Please don’t listen to my president. He may have in fact won the election last year, which entitles him to the seat in the Oval Office behind the desk, and he may in fact be entitled to call himself “President.” I beg you though, as a humble human trapped in an ever decaying republic now run by the Banana Republicans, please ignore Donald Trump. Please don’t assume he speaks for us, because he doesn’t…not for the majority of us.

He lost the election by any normal measure. Of course, it being America we have to fuck it up somehow and we Electoral College’d our way into getting him. But, again, he lost. And he lost by such wide margins as to be laughable. I am truly, very sorry that 62 million Americans were so afraid of another four years of a Democrat that they elected a childish, coke-addled buffoon who is going to insult and bully his way through four years — hopefully much less — of his presidency. I am very sorry that to some Americans, acting like a bully asshole is presidential.

But again, for the record, he’s not speaking for me, or any of the 75 million people who voted for someone other than him. He’s speaking for the slack-jawed, low-information, conservative feedback bubble voters who turned a blind eye to his obvious ties to Russia, his transparent corruption, and his admitted sexually predatory behavior. But fuck them, and fuck him. They don’t speak for the heart of America. They speak for its withered dick.

Donald Trump is an embarrassing, thin-skinned, tantrum throwing, delusional and paranoid moron. He honestly is trying to get people to believe that any negative polling about him is fake. Even Republican presidents of years gone by would never try to impugn the entire notion of opinion polling. Sure, some presidents have been far too concerned with them, and there’s a good reason to not just watch the polls, but to cast doubt on the science of polling so that you can make yourself feel better about being hated by so many millions of people is the height of immaturity and isn’t in the least bit presidential.

This is a guy who cozies up to Vladimir Putin and thinks nothing of it. He thinks we’re all too stupid to realize he’s making an unholy alliance with Russia so that a nice little war against radical Islam can be unleashed in the most heinous and barbaric way. This is why they’re ramping up all the anti-Muslim shit, and it’s obvious as all get out. There are definitely a lot of sadly misinformed people in this country who actually believe show “strength through power” and that you can bomb your way to peace, but Trump and company are taking it one step further by constantly demonizing every Muslim, instead of being nuanced and admitting that there are millions and millions and millions of peaceful Muslims, as there are any religious group.

I cannot even begin to tell you how embarrassing that shit with Australia’s prime minister was, either. Turnbull is pretty right-of-center, for starters. So why Trump would try to big dog him is beyond me. But more importantly, who the fuck has a problem with Australia? Oh, wait, I remember. Since Trump hates Obama, and it was Obama who made the refugee with agreement with Turnbull, Trump had to get his little shriveled dick out and wave it around at Turnbull.

Outstanding. And I thought George W. Bush was a moron cowboy. Don’t I feel silly now?

Then there’s the stupidity with Mexico and the border wall. Mexico is not paying for it. And if Trump thinks a 30% tariff on Mexican goods is going to do anything but make Americans pay for the wall even faster, then he’s as shallow thinking as his followers are. I love Mexico. I live about as close to it as one can without being in Mexico. And if anything we should be fostering more harmony and more neighborly congeniality, not less of it. If for no other reason than simple demographics. Latinos and Hispanics are the fastest growing demo in the country, and just makes zero sense morally, ethically, or even logically, to try and stop that with stupid walls that can just be sneaked around anyway.

As if we were hurting for more evidence that Trump is already a ginormous fuck-up, you have the fact that he’ll be barred from addressing British parliament when he visits this year. I don’t think an American president since Washington has been officially barred from addressing their government, and I really don’t know that for a fact. Trump might be the only president to ever run afoul of the usually very cordial Brits.

And remember, for eight years the Republicans lied about how little Obama was respected. They said he had to go on an apology tour at the beginning of his tenure because of the Bush administration. Well, that wasn’t true, but something tells me whoever has to clean up Trump’s mess will actually be going on an apology tour of our allies…assuming we have any left once Trump is done squeezing the presidency for every last dime he can.

The bottom line, Planet Earth, is that while Donald Trump most certainly speaks for the 62 million people who voted for him, he doesn’t speak for the vast majority of us that didn’t. I know how representative governments work, and that technically the bastard does in fact speak for me.

But please, I implore you all, before you do anything to punish us all, keep in mind most of us are back here doing this every time he or one of his idiots does or says anything.

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Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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