Holy shit. If you haven’t read the Associated Press’s interview with the man currently pretending to be president, you really should. Not because you’ll learn anything new, but because it’ll help you further understand just how utterly fucking stupid he is. Beyond stupid, he’s also apparently almost incapable of stringing even a remotely coherent set of words to together that form the slightest of intelligent, cogent, salient, or rational thought.

The interview is so baffling it’s been burning up the Internet with people trying to decipher it. I decided to throw my hat into that ring, and try my hand at translating his interview for people who aren’t morons. I have a feeling total and complete morons will understand every excruciatingly inane comment. But for the rest of us who have shoe sizes that eclipse our IQs by at least a factor of six, I wanted to give this a go.

So let’s get started.

AP: I do want to talk to you about the 100 days.

TRUMP: I’m a big fat, orange, dumb, out of touch Trust Fund Racist and I’m not really making any decisions. That’s for the nice white nationalists who got me elected.

Wow! This is way fucking easier than I thought it would be!

AP: I want to ask a few questions on some topics that are happening toward the end of the interview.

TRUMP: Absolutely! I’ll get right to answering them with Fox News talking points as soon as I finish sending this tweet bashing The New York Times ahead of my interview with Maggie and Glen at The New York Times.

Oh, I’m not actually translating what the big, dumb, orange fuckwit says. If you want to know what he actually said, go find a jar and fart into it. Or one of the millions of other real articles on this interview will work for that purpose.

AP: Can you tell me a little bit about how that came about?

TRUMP: I like Russian Whore Piss.

Finally, the truth! Or at least, the truth we all deep-down hope is real.

AP: Do you feel like you have changed the office of the presidency, how the presidency can be used to effect change?

TRUMP: I’ve changed the presidency more than I’ve changed my underwear, that’s for sure. The next person who holds this office will get to feel like a guy who walks into a public restroom where someone has already taken a big, stinky shit. They’ll know that no matter how badly the fuck it up, it’ll never be worse than what they walked into.

 You know I’m not wrong about that one. It’s probably the best analogy for Trump’s existence, let alone his presidency, to date.

AP: Do you feel like that’s one thing that you’ve changed, that you maybe are actually asking the direct questions about some of these things?

TRUMP: I want to fuck my daughter.

This point can never be overstated: Donald Trump has sexual thoughts about his daughter Ivanka and expresses them in public at the drop of a hat. This of course is why the Religious Right loves him.

AP: Do you feel like you’ve been able to apply that kind of a relationship to your dealings with Congress as well?

TRUMP: My relationship with Congress is bigly good and will stay bigly good. Until the Republicans get tired of covering for my blatant errors, self-evident lack of ability, and likely light treason. Then my ass is toast. Speaking of ass — I want to fuck my daughter.

Pretty sure I nailed this one, too.

AP: You did put out though, as a candidate, you put out a 100-day plan. Do you feel like you should be held accountable to that plan?

TRUMP: Mommy told me I’m so rich I never have to be held accountable for anything. I’ve lived my life that way. What makes you dumb fucks think that’ll change just because I got this shitty little president thing going on right now?

When you’re busy making your family richer, do you really think you give any shits about being a good president? Of course not. Ask Warren Harding for more information on this subject.

AP: You’ve talked a little bit about the way that you’ve brought some business skills into the office. Is there anything from your business background that just doesn’t translate into the presidency, that just simply is not applicable to this job?

TRUMP: I can’t force the United States government into filing bankruptcy. Or can I? STEVE, IVANKA! TELL ME IF I CAN HAVE THE GOVERNMENT FILE BK! I NEED TO KNOW FOR THIS INTERVIEW THING I’M DOING!

Dumb shit wasn’t a good businessman. He lucked into having a shit load of cash and the ability to hire lawyers to help him take advantage of bankruptcy laws to obscure how much a failure he really is in business. Because you know, every great businessman fails at running casinos.

AP: Obviously, that’s going to come in a week where you’re going to be running up against the deadline for keeping the government open. If you get a bill on your desk that does not include funding for the wall, will you sign it?

TRUMP: Me like racist wall because racist wall make scared white people feel like scary Mexicans no come rape them, even though net migration from Mexico is at all-time lows and we’re even touting how far it’s dropped since we’ve come into office, which would seem to mean that we don’t actually need the wall. but..Um…MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

And finally, one more translation for you all…

AP: This morning you tweeted that after the possible terrorist attack in Paris, that it will have a big effect on the upcoming French election. What did you mean by that?

TRUMP: I meant that Le Pen is a lot like me — long on blovation, short on 21st century nuance and leadership ability. Also, just to say it again, I love Russian pee pee whores and really wish my daughter Ivanka was one of them.

You’re welcome, America. You’re very welcome.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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