In just a matter of a few hours, the world will find out just what kind of human being that Donald Trump — alleged billionaire, former reality-TV attention whore, and current President of the United States of America — thinks serve on the bench of the Supreme Court. God only knows what kind of an abortion of a pick he’ll make, but just the idea of Trump choosing someone for one of the most important roles in our government made me get to thinking about who might be on his shortlist.
In considering who someone with the, um, unique qualifications as Trump would nominate, we have to get inside his head. So I dunked myself in a tank of whale vomit and donkey diarrhea. When I pulled myself out of the vat of puke and shit, I found I looked and sounded like the president. So here now, are the people I came with for Donald Trump’s Supreme Court shortlist.
#5. The Re-Animated Corpse of Confederate President Jefferson Davis
There’s no rule against former presidents sitting on the Supreme Court. In fact, President William Howard Taft did just that. If Trump can somehow find I way to raise Jeff Davis from the dead, it would make him legendary to all the voters who still clutch their stars and bars…while ironically telling liberal snowflakes to “get over it” and accept Donald Trump as their president.
#4. Sarah Palin
Look, this would be a nightmare for the country, that much is true. But look at it from the tangeringe twatwaffle’s perspective. Sarah is a Republican, so he wins there. Sarah is stupid, so his base won’t feel threatened by all her book-learnin’, and he knows she’d never last the entire lifetime term. She’d quit within six months when it got too hard and she was expected to show up to work every single day. Add to it that there’s no Chick-Fil-A in the Supreme Food Court (where SCOTUS judges all eat and gossip at lunch time), and you have yourself a recipe for a quick turnover.
#3. A Molotov Cocktail Right Before It’s Lobbed Into A Black Church
What? You think this joke went too far? Fuck you. Trump’s Attorney General nominee was too racist for Republicans to be a federal judge over 20 years ago. His top adviser, who he just gave one of the most powerful positions in the intelligence community, is an avowed white supremacist. Trump has given rise to a neo-Nazi, fascist contingent of his followers who he refuses to reign in. So yeah, I’ll make this joke because he’s a racist piece of shit at the worst, or at the very best he’s willing to play one on TV to get elected.
#2. A Copy Of The Holy Bible
Let’s be real — the only person that the Religious Right would really accept on the bench would be Jesus Christ himself. But considering he was a work of fiction in all likelihood, that’s not going to happen. So Trump could do the good, clean, God-fearing, ammo-hoarding patriots in his base a huge solid and just slide a copy of the Bible onto the Senate floor with a note saying, “Confirm this shit, bitches.” Trust me, the Christ loving conservatives wouldn’t bat an eyelash at the vulgarity, so long as their religious zealotry was being rewarded.
#1. Donald Trump
As far as I can tell, and being a comedian you should absolutely take my word on this as being the gospel truth, there are no rules against someone being both president and on the Supreme Court bench. Then again, even if there are rules against it, Trump’s made it abundantly clear he and his team don’t think he actually has to follow any rules. Because after 8 years of accusing Obama of being a lawless dictator, they figure they’re entitled to some good ol’ fashioned American hypocrisy.
Besides, does anyone really think Trump wouldn’t jump at the chance to give himself more power, or to ruin yet another American institution?
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.