If you’re one of those “STOP GIVING HER ATTENTION AND SHE’LL GO AWAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!11111oneoneone” types of liberals when it comes to dipshits like Ann Coulter or Timmy Lahren, please close this piece and go take a walk. I don’t think that fighting cancer by ignoring it is a sound strategy for beating it. For the rest of you, here’s a little open letter to the Aryan Snowflake Princess herself, Ms. TickleMeElmo Lahren.
Dear Turnbuckle Lahren,
We get it. As the hellspawn of the most horrific sapphic sexual congress ever between Laura Ingraham and Ann Coulter, you have a duty to keep conservatives — particularly conservative men — fired up and turned on. You accomplish that by screeching out intellectual gems like “BLM and the KKK are the same thing” and “Colin Kaepernick has no right to peacefully protest police brutality because I’m white and he’s black and blah blah fucking blah.” And I also get that your side has a major boner for Hillary Clinton because she helped get you to the White House, or rather, hating her got you guys into the White House.
But, kiddo? Outside the thick bubble of conservative delusion that you make your living in, you’re the laughingstock of pretty much anyone with a pulse and a soupcon of intellect. Because you make really stupid video segments like the one linked below, that’s why.
Let’s just unpack this used gym sock full of diarrhea that you called a “Final Thought,” shall we Tuscaloosa? For starters, you of all people have absolutely no right to call anyone else an egomaniac or imply they’re self-centered. You are a celebrity pundit, in case no one told you, Turmeric, and you plaster yourself all over the goddamned place. You have millions of social media followers, and you pimp yourself as a brand incessantly. You are a self-promotion juggernaut of a fair and thin skinned, vapid, screeching, racist dog whistle blowing self promotion, Tammy.
The term “attention whore” isn’t fair to use for you because a) you’d give good, decent, working whores who don’t hypocritically live in their parents’ basement a bad name and b) it’s a massive understatement. You live in a world where every word you speak is treated like spun gold, at least in your head. If you went one day without promoting yourself I’d assume you were dead or someone had finally done the world a favor and found a muzzle that would fit you tightly and permanently.
But one thing you haven’t done, you arrogant douche rocket, is serve your country in ANY capacity. You may stupidly think Hillary Clinton is a murdering, email scandalizing corrupt asshole. That’s fine. You’re entitled to your opinions. But she’s served this country as a pro bono defense attorney, protecting peoples’ constitutional rights to legal representation. She’s served this country as its First Lady and was bold enough to propose sweeping healthcare reforms even back then. Hillary was an elected Senator, and she won the goddamned presidential election if you were holding it in another non-Electoral College ruined country.
As far as I can tell, your contribution to this country is giving white nationalists spank bank material. So you know, basically “Fuck you,” is where I’m going here. But what really takes the taco (sorry, did I offend by mentioning something Mexican to your pasty ass, Tallboy?), is that you are one of Donald Trump’s loudest and proudest cheerleaders and you’re out there implying that Hillary Clinton only cares about Hillary Clinton and she’s a self-promoting, selfish, conceited person.
Donald Trump puts his name on EVERYTHING just in case you forgot he owned the building and has lots of money. Donald Trump loudly pronounces his charitable gifts and then never gives them. Trump was a reality TV star because he needed to get his fat face in front of cameras again in order to make himself relevant. If ever there was a man who is an egomaniac it’s Donald Trump. The orange fuckmuppet is the walking, talking, literal definition of a narcissist.
How many foreign leaders have had to hear about Trump’s Electoral College victory? How many millions of dollars did he waste demanding an investigation into whether the parks department doctored photos of his inaugural crowd? Did you happen to catch him loudly telling the media his hands were too big for the plastic gloves he was handed to put on before serving hurricane victims food? There is literally not a single moment that goes by where that fuckface is trying to make himself the star of the show, and you’re out here trying to make Hillary look worse?
Look, Triggered, there are dozens of valid criticisms people can make about Hillary Clinton. It’s just that you don’t get to be that person. Because you’re an egomaniac and you defend the worst egomaniac to ever occupy the White House. So please, for the sake of all that his holy — shut the fuck up and make good on your next Final Thoughts segment’s promise of being both a thought, and final.