Dear Republicans,

I keep hearing and seeing a whole lot of you tell those of us who didn’t vote for Trump to “get over it” and “deal with it.” Now, my dear little snowflakes, the time is nigh for you to do the same thing. As much as you want to pretend otherwise, two things are unmistakably true right now:

  1. Your president got his ass handed to him in the popular vote. More than three million people rejected him. It’s a wider margin than nearly every single other person who won the White House. That’s why the popular vote matters. He’s starting with over 3 million voters that have zero faith in his abilities and wanted someone else.
  2. Russia tried to help him win. Whether or not they succeeded, they tried to help him win. Your guy may or may not have had help from a foreign power to win the election, and yes, that means in the true Hamiltonian spirit of our republic, the Electoral College has the right to reject him, should concrete evidence of his collusion with Russia emerge.

Maybe over the next couple years Trump will win over a lot of Americans. Maybe over the next couple years we’ll find out through a bipartisan investigation that Russia didn’t actually help Trump win, despite clearly trying to. And maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow with six-pack abs, and a huge dong. I mean, anything can happen right?

Ha. Shit, I almost wrote that with a straight face.

If I were you, Republicans, I wouldn’t get too comfy in your smugness over winning. You see, at some point the investigation into Russian hacking will conclude, and maybe Trump won’t have committed any impeachable offenses, but unless some really strong exonerating evidence comes to light, there is absolutely no way to spin the hacking story into a positive for Trump. Not after he went and made a long-time chum of Vlad Putin’s his Secretary of State.

Then again, I wouldn’t even get too comfy in your assumptions that his cabinet will get confirmed. Oh, I’m sure idiot Rick Perry will wind-up running the agency he couldn’t even name five years ago. That’s bargain basement variety Washington, D.C. asininity. But putting a former Exxon-Mobil CEO in your Secretary of State seat, when the man has zero government experience, other than the ones he bought off as CEO? Well, normally Republicans might salivate over the chance to confirm him, but not when he’s got seriously deep ties to Russia, the country millions of people now believe tried to tip the scales for Trump.

If you’re smart, Republicans, you’ll do one of two things.

One — you’ll come to grips with reality, and pronto. There is no denying at this point that Trump won the presidency. He by all rights and the electoral systems in place at the time the election was held should take the oath of office in January. But beyond that, you are in for a wild ride the next couple of years. When you don’t have the confidence of the people, it’s hard enough to govern. But when you also are suspected of at least being nudged along by Vlad Putin — the guy who commits human rights violations like the rest of us inhale and exhale? You’re kinda fucked.

Secondly — you’ll come to grips with the fact that you elected literally the worst candidate of all time. He didn’t really want the job, and he’s very obviously leaving the real work to Mike Pence. And again, not to belabor the point, but he was the choice of a leader of a nation that would love nothing more to take us down a peg. If McCain and Graham’s wing of your party keeps pushing for the bipartisan investigation, you could see your guy impeached, and possibly Pence too, if he was in any way part of any collusion that’s discovered.

But even if your guy comes out squeaky clean, or worse yet, even if there never is an investigation into Russian efforts to subvert our election, do you really think you’re going to have a cakewalk the next couple of years? People are angry, demonstrably so, that you lot couldn’t at least give us a sane Republican to run our country. Most of us would have been worried, but not like we are now. You elected a reality-TV conman, and you elevated an elderly carnival barker who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself to the status of most powerful man in the world.

If liberals have to “deal with” Trump as president, you all have to deal with what liberal opposition looks like. If you thought those mean libtards in Hollywood were obnoxious before, if you thought those crazy, loony leftists were cantankerous about social and economic issues before, buckle up, buttercups. You’re going to be begging for your Fox News safe spaces to save you when it’s all said and done.

You lost the popular vote, but won the election thanks most definitely to the Electoral College, and most likely at least in part to Russian interference. Only the most extremely partisan blind and ill-informed would presume that means anything but the toughest, gnarliest fight in our country’s history will ensue.

Which would explain, of course, why you all really think you’re going to cow us into submission. Keep telling us to “get a job” instead of protesting, and those of us on the left who work just as hard as you do will revel in the delight we feel hoisting this Tin Horn Fuckwit on his own orange petard.

Valla Con Diablo,


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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