Dear President-Elect Fuckwit,

I realize as I write this it may not be necessary. The impetus behind my missive is your proposed registration and/or banning of Muslims in the United States, once you take office in a few weeks. Whether you call it “extreme vetting” or something else, the concept of scrutinizing one group over others based solely on their religion is anti-American, fascist, and hearkens to Nazism, not to play the Godwin card too soon. But again, I realize as I write this, that it might not even be necessary.

Obviously, your whole “Lock her up” shtick was just smoke and mirrors. Maybe banning Muslims to you, is as serious as “draining the swamp” clearly has been. You’ve filled your cabinet with the swamp things — billionaires and lobbyists — that you swore up and down you’d stop from further separating Americans from their government. You’ve already broken so many campaign promises before being sworn in that I’m wondering if the blustery Anti-Muslim shit wasn’t the same kind of empty talk that all the other stuff was.

Yet, that being considered, just to be on the safe side:

No. Not just no. Fuck no.

Freedom of Religion, motherfuckers, do you speak it? Does it not at all don on you the lunacy of professing to love the First Amendment and the Constitution in general while out of the other side of your pie hole you push for the oppression of people based on their religion?

The First Amendment is more important than you, and it’s more important than me. It’s more important than the ignorance and paranoia of a subset of our populace that thinks they’re more likely to be killed by an Islamic terrorist than they are by an Average American Gun Owner by accident. The First Amendment is the single-most important achievement of the Founders, and frankly of this nation because it was the first time a new country was founded on the idea that you could openly tell your government to go fuck itself, and it all flows from there.

Since John F. Kennedy’s assassination, the U.S. has seen more gun deaths than casualties in all our wars combinedThere is more chance for you to be gunned down by an American Christian than there is for a radical fundamentalist Islamic terrorist to kill you. You’re more likely to die of heart disease, drowning, or being run over by a car than you are to be killed in a terror attack. These simple truths are why any proposed extra scrutiny on Muslims is just thinly veiled harassment and governmental tyranny.

You will meet fierce opposition to these proposals, should you be so shortsighted as to go forward with them. Even the MENSA candidate George W. Bush knew how stupid and dangerous it was to be dragged into a religious war and that’s why he refused to paint Islam as the culprit. But you guys are all too ignorant and/or afraid to think clearly, and would rather make things worse by giving murderous scumbags more fodder for their propaganda materials.

Any Muslim bans or registries you enact or propose will create far more future terrorists than you think possible. You may be too old, too rich, and too disconnected to care, but some of us still have fucks to give about the world you leave us with, Donny.

The cold, hard truth is that if you can keep the Westboro Baptist Church separate from garden variety Christians, you can keep every day Muslims out of your rhetorical cross hairs. If you can understand that Tim McVeigh, David Koresh, Jim Jones, that bastard who shot up the Planned Parenthood, and every other murderous scumbag who happens to be a Christian don’t represent all of Christendom, then you have it in your pathetic little brain to make the same logical connections between Muslims and terrorists who happen to be Muslims.

There have been horrific and scary propaganda used about different religious groups to justify their purging or subjugation over the years. Christians in this country are forgetting that a few centuries ago, they were cast into fucking literal lions’ dens because of their religious beliefs.

Bonkers. You’ve all gone completely and utterly bonkers.

If you dare to form some kind of gestapo-esque horde of government agents tasked with hunting down, registering, and possibly deporting Muslims, expect hell. Expect hell the likes of which you probably don’t think possible. This isn’t about arming ourselves, though I’m sure you know that with a country of 330 million people that gun owners are on all sides of every issue. This is about using the First Amendment — the amendment you plan to grab by the pussy with your proposals — to pummel you and any simpleton who tries to tell us we should fear our Muslim neighbor more than the Christian guy plotting to bomb the abortion clinic because Carly Fiorina told him to watch some bullshit videos.

I’ll register as a Muslim myself. I’ll get all my like-minded friends to register as Muslims. I will start a drive to get money together to pay for the concealed carry permits of Muslim Americans. How would you all feel about that community exercising their Second Amendment right to bear arms? Can I take a couple guesses?

I’ll write piece after piece and amplify them as much as my modest social media reach allows. I’ll write and call my congress critter and as many other congress critters as I can stomach. I will raise full-bore, full-tilt, no holds barred, motherfucking righteously indignant hell if you try to turn my country into a fascist state. I may find every single religion kooky and unnecessary, but I still prefer to live in a country where we consider all kooky and unnecessary religions equal.

It’s up to you, Donald Fuck, how you are remembered and whether or not your historically highest popular vote loss of any president becomes a footnote. It’s up to you to stop sending mixed signals from your twitter account and advisers.

You’re either an empty headed puppet who will roll over for people who want to abuse Muslims. Or you’re so inept you won’t be able to implement it. Or, it too was just a bullshit slice of rhetorical stupidity you served up with a tall glass of xenophobia to your voters who gleefully sucked it all down. I hope for your sake and frankly every one else’s sake that it’s one of the two latter options, but if it’s not…

…you have a fight on your hands, President-Elect Fuckwit.

Allahu Akbar (Just practicing.),


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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