Kentucky’s governor is a schmuck. I know, trenchant political observation as always from Yours Truly, but seriously, he’s a fucking schmuck, and unless you have a better, shorter way to describe someone who literally threatens the country with barbaric violence if his side doesn’t win an election, he’ll keep the title in perpetuity. If he’s not a schmuck, he is undoubtedly the kind of stiff-brained, idiotic fake patriot I’ve come to loathe the most these years I’ve dedicated to writing silly shit about politics.

Basically, what Matt Bevin said was, “We better win or we’re going to start murdering people in the streets!” But being that I love to be unlike Fox News or Laura Ingraham, let me give you the actual verbatim Bevin quote.

“I want us to be able to fight ideologically, mentally, spiritually, economically, so that we don’t have to do it physically,” Bevin said Saturday. “But that may, in fact, be the case.” (source)

Why is it that conservatives are so fucking obsessed with fighting another revolution? Why are they so intent on eschewing the ballot box for the ammo box? It makes absolutely zero sense to me that a man who says he’s about “conserving” things would want to do the opposite of that when it comes to law, order, and elections. Show me evidence of widespread tampering or fraud, or better yet show me a president who has overstayed his elected terms and ruled the country with an iron fist, and then I’ll say maybe a violent revolution is in order.

But the rest of us, the normal people? We think it’s kind of horrid and disgusting to suggest it’s better for freedom and liberty to commit murder if your team doesn’t win an election. And believe me, that’s the exactly what Bevin is saying here. He’s saying that if we don’t elect Donald Trump, clearly the only recourse left for conservatives is to take their semi-auto and fully auto (which they’ve modified from semi, no matter how much they bleat about not having access to fully automatic weapons) assault rifle to the streets, and to start attacking anyone they see as a threat to their liberty.

How many of you have been called a threat to American freedom simply because you call yourself a liberal? Well, guess what? Assholes like Bevin may not be the ones pulling the trigger, because he’s a coward piece of shit, but he’ll have zero compunction about riling up the toothless, slack-jawed, inbred assholes with more weapons than IQ points to do it. He’s speaking in coded language to the backyard patriots who think they should get to point their high-powered rifles at federal agents without issue, but a quarterback kneeling during the National Anthem is an affront to the entire country.

Bevin is saying he wants conservatives to consider hunting down and murdering their fellow Americans like Darth took down the Jedi order. He’s a politician, so he knows to stop short of just outright telling people to do it, but he’s sure as shit alluding to murderous rampages disguised as a glorious return to our bloody roots…roots, which by the way, were fed with system racism and misogyny. I’m not saying every Nazi comparison to Trumpublicans is a fair one, but you simply do not hear liberal Americans advocating bloody and violent revolt, because maybe they understand what a nightmare of tumult and bloodshed it would be, and that rational adults simply don’t turn to their guns when they lose an election.

If ever there was a more starkly drawn example of “I’m going to take my ball home if I lose,” it’s Bevin and others like him intimating that “Second Amendment Solutions” are what Republicans and conservatives should be preparing for. Perhaps Bevin and the other faux-patriots long so much for violent conflict because they didn’t get to live during the real revolution, and they never got to fight for the losing cause in the Civil War, but it doesn’t frankly matter. Matt Bevin is the threat to American stability that he claims gay marriage, helping the poor, and generally not being a cold-hearted asshole to be.

But just in case you thought there was any question as to Bevin’s meaning, grab another look at the following quote.

“The roots of the tree of liberty are watered by what? The blood. Of who? The tyrants, to be sure. But who else? The patriots. Whose blood will be shed? It may be that of those in this room. It might be that of our children and grandchildren.” (source)

Yup, that’s a Republican Governor telling Republican voters that Thomas Jefferson would want them to murder Hillary Clinton, and the kicker? He’s telling them they may have to die to do so. You know something tells me Matt wouldn’t like this very much, but I get a waft of radical Islamic terrorism from his rhetoric. Can’t you just see an ISIS or Al-Qaeda operative being told it mnight be his blood, or his children’s, or his grandchildren’s blood that has to be spilled for their cause? All the while, naturally, assuming none of the risk of bodily harm or death himself, to boot.

Just out of curiosity, what do you think Rush Limbaugh would say about Jerry Brown telling Democrats they should consider murdering Donald Trump and his supporters if they win in November? How much histrionic bullshit would spew forth from Sean Hannity’s lips if a Democratic governor said the things about Trump that Bevin did? I can promise you their faux-Minutemen rhetoric would drop in a heartbeat.

You know who talks like this? Assholes.

Assholes talk like they’ll just beat you up if you don’t give them your lunch money. Assholes pretend that guns and bullets are better than votes. Assholes act as if they hold the copyright on American values, and that they are ordained by the almighty lord their god to kill us all if we disagree.

Being a history buff, I come to satire from that kind of angle. Bevin’s remarks remind me quite a bit of the rantings and ravings of state governors and legislators who hooted and hollered about President Abe Lincoln’s election to the point of breaking with the union to start their own, pro-slavery version of the United States of America. Those racist assholes were ready to die for their cause too. Those racist assholes were hellbent and plunging us into armed conflict over their warped view of liberty, and what this country stands for.

Am I saying Bevin is a full-fledged Confederate coward?

Yes. You bet your fucking ass I am, and I will gleefully apply the same label to any bastard who tells me that they get to kill me for my vote. I will label any insurrectionist, anti-taxation cornhole as a dunce of confederate proportions if they claim they have a right and even a duty to murder their fellow Americans if they can’t out-vote them. Bevin is the kind of punk douchebag this country’s electoral machinations are designed to safeguard us against.

You don’t get to start a fucking revolution every time your side loses. This isn’t the 1860’s, and the side that thought they got to do just that, as they fired shots on Fort Sumter, lost then. I can only hope this country has the fortitude to make Bevin and his ilk losers one more time.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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