Oh Hillary…

I know that being a penis-haver and writing a piece titled like this, and starting it with “Oh Hillary” is going to get a certain subsect of the liberal base I write mostly for angry at me. I’m okay with that. After years of writing satirically and just plain ol’ humorously about American politics, I will let my body of works peak for any allegations of misogyny against me. Keep this in mind, as well. I voted for Hillary Clinton as a resident of California when I could’ve literally voted for my testicles and not had a negative impact on the race.

I voted for her because of the two mainstream candidates, she was the most qualified and stable candidate to choose from. I don’t hate her, and I don’t buy into wild conspiracy theories against her.

Generally, I actually like Hillary Clinton…when she’s not being THAT Hillary Clinton. You know which one I’m talking about. The one who can’t tell what this country needs is for her to take a step back and out of the limelight so that her party can truly find a candidate that will wipe the floor with the Orange Twat Waffle in Chief, and so she writes a book that takes every opportunity to shift blame for her loss to other people. THAT Hillary Clinton needs to stop, because THAT Hillary Clinton is the Hillary Clinton that lost.

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THAT Hillary Clinton took Donald Trump’s stupidity and craziness as a sign that she could waltz into the White House. It’s evident now that she should not have taken the rust belt for granted. There’s no doubt in my mind that Russia helped exacerbate that unforced error, but the only people who are still telling you she did no wrong are the people who led you to believe she couldn’t possibly lose. So, yeah.

Hillary blaming Bernie Sanders for her loss in the general is sad. Sure, he did his best in the primary to knock her down, but, well…THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING DO IN A PRIMARY. You are supposed to win. It’s not Bernie’s fault that the DNC couldn’t completely paper over Clinton’s numerous flaws. And look, just because she had numerous flaws that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have won, or that she didn’t get more votes, or any nonsense like that. But pretending she didn’t have flaws is something I can promise you turned off some Obama voters, which is something the Democrats still haven’t made peace with — the number of sad people who jumped from Team Obama to Team Apricot Pol Pot. Hillary always gave off an air of entitlement when the electorate was clearly looking for someone who at least told them they were all about turning the tables back more toward the little people.

Bernie was that guy, and Bernie has that message. Bernie, in fact, is the champion of the causes that if the Democrats embraced, they’d usher in a decade or two of big electoral wins. Did you know that if only millennials had voted, Hillary would’ve won nearly every single state? It’s true. Check out this piece, below, from Mic on the subject.


Millennials are the key to ensuring a future for both parties. Millennials are far more willing to embrace Bernie-flavored liberalism than the corporate sponsored variety that Hillary represented. So for her to release a book that trashes the one guy her party needs to embrace — yes, I said it, Rah Rah Dems, BERNIE IS YOUR FUCKING FUTURE — is so very THAT Hillary Clinton of her.

Nothing will ever take away from the fact that Ms. Clinton should have won last year’s election. She got the most votes of any losing candidate ever, and actually gave Barack Obama a run for his money in that regard. In any other country where something as stupid as the Electoral College didn’t exist, she’d have won. But none of that means she doesn’t share the majority of the blame for losing.

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Hillary Clinton was a flawed candidate. A better candidate, no doubt, but a flawed one nonetheless. Ignoring that fact is like ignoring your check engine light. Eventually, it’ll catch up to you, and you probably won’t like how it turns out. Ignoring that fact also happened to contribute to Hillary losing, as well. She could’ve overcome her flaws by doing simple things like traveling to swing states she was sure she had locked up. But even that, I don’t think, is the real issue here.

This book is a window into why she lost. Even though we all know it’s now what she intended to do when she wrote it, it’s going to be and already is perceived as an attempt to make herself look better at the expense of everyone else. Sure, there were very likely a few hundred thousand Bernie supporters who bought the bullshit about her and voted for Trump or didn’t vote at all, and fuck them. They suck. But the kind of leader this country needs right now doesn’t shift blame; they take responsibility and try to fix the damage done.

The real issue is that the Democrats are currently in need of every single one of the Millennial votes they can muster. They’re also in the position where they need to coax some of the Obama voters that went for Trump last year — and admitting that’s a thing is a good step toward winning them back — back to their side of the aisle. Trashing the guy who was also super popular and very easily could have won against Trump seems like bad timing, is all I’m saying.

She’s entitled to say what she wants, when she wants. If Hillary truly feels this is the best time to polish her legacy, then so be it. I may not be a politician, or a political scientist, but I am a comedian, and as such I get timing, at least a little. And to me, Hillary’s book with all its criticism of Bernie and Obama, seems like a punchline for a joke you told ten minutes ago.

Hillary Clinton didn’t need to go away, but own-goaling her team by flaming a guy that could lure millions of new voters into her party is exactly why so many people don’t like her…and she needs to stop it.


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