Dear Conservatives,

Scalia’s dead, and no matter what you do, you won’t get to pick his replacement.

Now, I understand what you’re trying to do. Run out the clock, get your guy into the White House, and then BOOM! you have your conservative majority for a long time to come. Except, that’s not going to happen. Or rather, since I’m a comedian and it’s one of my “things” to not predict shit — it’s highly unlikely you will get your cream dream, and instead you’re going to be confirming President Hillary Clinton’s nominee. Or filibustering it…I guess.

But the point is that if you guys wanted a crack at replacing Scalia, you needed to do this little thing called “win a presidential election” in nearly the last decade. You didn’t remotely do that.

“But, Jambo, turnout has at times been larger for Republicans than Democrats in primary states so far, doesn’t that mean in the General, the Dems are like, totes, super-duper hosed,” you ask me, trying way too hard to sound like a Millennial, because maybe you’re on the cusp and you have no idea if you’re Gen Y, a Millennial or what the fuck, but then again, fuck labels and who cares.  Anyway, the answer to the question is pretty easy to come up with.


Firstly, as has been pointed out before, the states that have held primaries so far have been have largely been part of Hillary Clinton’s so-called “firewall” of the South, and other usually predictable red states. I’m not sure why this isn’t a media narrative, but I would certainly expect there to be more Republicans turning per capita turning out in say, Mississippi than there would be in a state like New York. The margins from what I’ve seen don’t really worry me about a Republican upset in any states the Dems need to start with their massive electoral college lead they had in both 2008 and 2012, and should still have this time around.

So you have the electoral college math to worry about still, and let’s just talk about how you haven’t learned fuck-all since 2012. Your “autopsy” that you paid all that money for pretty much told you something you didn’t want to hear — your ideas are pretty terrible and unpopular among the people you will depend on to avoid becoming a proto-white nationalist dinosaur, destined for the history’s recycling bin. You rather predictably but tragically chose to ignore that message, and the price you are paying is Donald Motherfucking Trump. I hope the shit sandwich you’re eating now is worth it.

Dear GOP: Trump is Your Shit Sandwich. Mayo or Miracle Whip?

Even if you guys weren’t in serious danger of nominating a reality-TV, B-grade douchebag who may or may not be trolling you all anyway, you guys are still talking about rape as if it has varieties, like a soda pop or something. You’re toxic to a lot of the country. Maybe people could be convinced to push for a lower tax agenda still, but when you mix it with white power bullshit, right-wing nutjob theories, and evangelical bigotry you get…well, Republicans these days.

Do you really think people are suddenly going to forget all the shit Trump has said in the primaries? How about Cruz when he was trying not to piss off Trump voters and maybe pick up a few for himself? I really don’t like to predict anything, but if I were and odds maker, I really don’t think I’d be giving your chances in November very much hope.

The kicker, and this is why people are going to run from you like a silent, but oh so deadly one, is that you guys are all being such massive hypocrites right now. You claim to worship the Constitution. You have this pseudo-sexual relationship with it. But now, when one of the dudes you worship for how much he worship the most literal and strictest interpretations of it, you go, “Constitution? That’s merely a suggestion,” and you silly people think won’t punish you in November.

The cool thing for you all is that you, like so many other times, are staring a chance to pull up from the crash right in the face. Just hold a hearing and a vote for Merrick Garland. Don’t confirm if you want to; that’s your Constitutional right and duty, just like it’s Obama’s to nominate someone to fill Scalia’s bigoted butt stains on the bench. Buck up, butterfucks, and tell your congressmen or women to do the right thing, or if you’re a Republican Senator, do your job.

You’d be amazed how much Americans respect people who aren’t sanctimonious, hypocritical, empty suits. Or you know, do your thing. That’s been working a lot lately.


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