WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told reporters that within the first one hundred days of President-Elect Donald Trump’s presidency, he would advance legislation sources say he hopes will “fundamentally change how science is perceived by the American people.”
The Change the Spelling of Science to More Appropriately Reflect America’s Enduring Love of The Lord Thy God Jesus Christ Act would use the power of the Federal government to change the official spelling of “science” in the United States to “J-E-S-U-S.”
According to Cruz, he worked closely with robust patriots like Pat Robertson and the Westboro Baptist Church to make sure the change made sense not just from a Christian point of view, but from another Christian’s point of view as well. “We all know that the Founders were devout, born-again Judeo-Christians who originally wanted to name the country ‘The United States of Jesus Is Rad Land’ but didn’t for other reasons,” said Cruz to a rally crowd in front of a bowling alley, “and we intend to rectify that mistake in time, but it all starts with one step.”
Cruz wiped a bit of sweat from his brow at this point, then got down onto one knee as he shouted, “And know this, brothers and sisters, only by completely removing science from our lexicon, can we return this country to the hands of God and Jesus, where it belongs.”
Later, reporters reminded Cruz that without science humanity would all be live to 25 years old, the planet would be be crazily overpopulated and undernourished, and he’d not even be broadcast on TV. Cruz paused for a moment, then shaking his head said, “There are no teevees in the Bible. There’s not a single IP address in the entire New Testament. If we didn’t need it back when dinosaurs were playing catch with Adam and Eve, we sure as heck-fire don’t need it today.”
“The Constitution with all its amendments has over seven thousand words,” Cruz finished his speech by saying, “and even though God is literally zero of those words, and the First Amendment is as much a firewall of protection against religion in government as it is a protection of religious liberty, we all know this is a Christian nation. Ammo-hoarding patriots believe this in their heart. Therefore, we don’t need science. We sure as heck don’t need the word science. As a Christian Dominionist, just know that I believe Christianity is put here on Earth to control it, so this is like the
Republished from The Political Garbage Chute.
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