Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I worry that I might not have enough to write about. When your creative output for the day depends on what politicians and the people they employ say or do, and specifically your job is to mock them mercilessly when they say and do stupid shit, however, very rarely am I ever without something to write about.
Then there are days where you’re handed a truly beautiful gift, as a political comedian. Frankly, when Donald Trump and his B-Team of advisers and sycophants was sworn-in back in January, it was terrible for humanity and the country…but kinda perfect for me and people like me…So, I guess you should take solace in the fact that as the republic is falling, I’ll be at my creative zenith.
Which is why when Kellyanne Conway implied that Barack Obama spied on the Trump campaign using special mircowaves that were also cameras, I pee’d a little…and then I wrote this:
But writing that satirical news item got me wondering — what other bat shit crazy stuff does Racist Skeletor believe Barack Obama did to her boss? And I came up with these options.
5 More Crazy Things KellyAnne Conway Thinks Obama Did To The Trump Campaign
#5. Obama Re-Wired The White House Refrigerator’s Light To Go Off When The Door Closes
We all know, it’s well-documented, undeniable fact that Barack HUSSEIN Obama has secret Kenyan Sharia Superpowers. That’s why, at least according to Kellyanne’s calculations, the fridge in the White House will not keep its light on when the door is closed. Every time Conway goes to open it, she notices the light flicks on, which means it must be off when the door is closed. But that’s a clear example of executive overreach from the Obama administration and must be fixed ASAP!
#4. Obama Put A Sharia Curse On All White House VCRs And Now They Blink 12:00 AM Incessantly
First of all, why did Kellyanne have to go digging through the A/V closet in the White House for a VCR? How presumptuous and frankly un-American of Obama to have all the VCRs replaced with Blu Ray players. What, just because a technology is obsolete we shouldn’t use it anymore, Maobama? But then, once she got it plugged in, the damn thing’s clock would not stop blinking 12:00 AM! It’s another clear and obvious example of a Sharia Voodoo Curse and executive overreach, again.
#3. Obama Jinxed Her Computer And Now Every Time She Presses CTRL-ALT-Delete It Reboots
Any time she hits CTRL-ALT-DEL on accident, her damn computer reboots. And she knows for a fact that has to do somehow, some way with that un-American a-hole Obama! Don’t tell Kellyanne she should upgrade her computer to something beyond Windows 3.11-era technology so that keystroke command doesn’t reboot the PC, but just brings up the Task Manager! If Kellyanne wants to use the Task Manager, she’ll go out and get herself a new computer. She likes that she still has Mavis Beacon and VisiCalc on her machine.
#2. Obama Made Apple Force Kellyanne To Sign A New iTunes EULA Every Six Days
It seems like, to Conway anyway, that every single time she goes to use iTunes on her iPhone she has to sign a new damn end-user licensing agreement. Why does Apple make her do that? Because Obama made them, that’s why, obviously. He just hates freedom so much that he has to ruin it by forcing private companies to make their customers do stuff they might not otherwise want to do. Fuckin’ Obama, am I right?
#1. Obama Downgraded Her Son’s Xbox 360 By 359 Degrees
The last time Conway checked, her son liked playing his Xbox 360. Now, all of a sudden she’s finding him at home playing on something called an “Xbox One.” What the actual fuck, Obama? How dare you take away 359 degrees from her son’s Xbox like that?! What if he wanted all those degrees? Typical libtard. Taking from other people what isn’t theirs and then leaving them with something they didn’t even want. Thanks for the oh-so-great Xbox One, Obama!
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.