Hi Conservatives,

I bet you’re all suppressing major oppression boners right now, finding out that your dude Donald Trump is probably going to rescind an Obama directive to schools forcing them to allow transgender children to use the bathroom that suits their gender identity, aren’t you? Yay for telling people where they can or can’t take a dump! What an enormous victory for the principles of small government!

Nothing says “small government” like listening to bullshit, debunked crime stats about transgender people and letting it influence your arcane policy to the point that you literally put the government as a barrier between people and taking a shit. Nothing belies “freedom, liberty, and independence” like ignorantly pretending that transgender people are any more likely to commit sexual offenses than non-transgender people. In fact, we should ask that Milo fuck if he’d like to rescind any of his horrific comments about the innate criminality of trans people right about bow, because he just ran into a speeding bullet train of hypocrisy on that front, didn’t he?

Can I just…ask you all some questions that I have? Because I was born and raised in a Religious Right home, so I fully understand that a shit ton of you are going to be happy about this because you clearly think trans people are an abomination against God. But, um, in all his infinite power and wisdom, he didn’t once mention the issue of transgenderism. I mean, that’s because it’s a collection of texts from literal centuries ago, but you’d think that the all-powerful knower of all things would, like, mention something if it was such an affront to him or her, right? Right.

So here are just some basic questions I have for you about your current anti-transgender witch hunt:

  1. Was Denny Hastert, one of the key Republican congressmen in the Bill Clinton impeachment trial, transgender?
  2. Was Newt Gingrich, another key Republican in the Bill Clinton impeachment proceedings trans, as he cheated on his sick wife with his current wife, who is his third wife?
  3. Was Donald Trump transgender when he bragged about sexually assaulting people to Billy Bush in the infamous “Access Hollywood” tapes?
  4. Do you have any statistics that show transgender children commit a ton of sexual assault?
  5. Do you have any statistics that show transgender people in general commit more sexual assaults?
  6. Where, exactly, in the Constitution does it give any government the right to tell a law-abiding citizen where they can or can’t shit behind closed doors?
  7. How small does government have to be exactly to fit inside someone’s rectum or urethra?
  8. Are you going to empower cops to arrest people while they take a shit, for no other crime than taking a shit?
  9. Who will pay for your Take A Shit Where You Belong enforcement gangs?
  10. Do you have any fucking clue how stupid you look fighting this fight right now?

I think all my questions are relevant, but that last one is the most pressing question I think social conservatives should ask themselves. They really need to stop presuming they’re part of the silent majority. They won the White House on the strength of ten million fewer votes on aggregate for their guy than who voted for all his opponents, and even if you take away the third party and write-in votes from that number, he still lost by three million votes.

What this means is that the prevailing thought of real, actual American people — not empty fields in “Rural America” — is that transgender people are just looking to take a dumb or piss and should be left to do that like the rest of us. What that means is you now have to make an actual, convincing, logic-based argument against giving private citizens access to a room in which they can go in, drop their pants, and relieve themselves. And “The Bible” or “I feel icky about things I don’t understand” are not valid, logic-based arguments to the vast majority of us.

It seems to me that you all have way, way too much time on your hands. I find it hilarious that conservatives mock liberals for having the time to protest Trump’s policies, and meanwhile they clearly have enough free time on their hands to literally obsess about where people they don’t know are pooping. Maybe if more of you red state conservatives had good paying jobs you wouldn’t have so much time to fixate on the crapping habits of strangers, and as a bonus my California paychecks would go further if I didn’t have to subsidize your state so much. Talk about a win-win.

This is really how you think you can make this country great again — hyper-fixating on a non-issue? People commit sexual assault in many places other than the bathroom, just ask your president. Don’t you have anything better to spend your time worrying about?

The bottom line is actually really simple here: Winning the White House didn’t guarantee you a turbulence-free four years of doing whatever the fuck you want. That’s not how America works, and the Tea Party political people should know that more than anyone. We all watched you make up racist conspiracy theories about Obama and the downfall of western society when we dared to let adults marry whomever they want. So you’re due for at least a couple years of torch carrying, angry, resistant libtards constantly reminding you that you’re not the actual majority or plurality in this country.

Leave my transgender friends alone, go get a fucking job, and focus on how your’e going to Make America Great Again. Here’s a hint: it ain’t gonna be by taking us backward, and millions of us are already lining up to keep you from doing that in the first place.

Y’all Need A Vacation,


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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