FLAT GROVE, SOUTH CAROLINA — When Lincoln McTavish got word that his position with Former Florida Governor Jeb!’s presidential effort was coming to end as Jeb! was suspending the campaign altogether, he was “incredibly confused,” he tells us.

Mr. McTavish was confused, he told us, because he was under the impression that Jeb! had quit campaigning a long, long time ago. “When I heard the announcement I was really confused,” Lincoln said, “because I was pretty sure the campaign was over when he actually had to ask people to clap for him at his own rally.” But when Former Governor Jeb! suspended the campaign, he says it “explain[ed] why [he] kept getting a paycheck from the campaign for literally doing no work at all.”

“I mean, it’s not that I wasn’t doing work,” McTavish said, “it’s just that when you call people to see if they’d vote for your candidate and most people only know him as George W. Bush’s slightly smarter but still ultimately really dumb brother, you get the feeling that you’re working for a lost cause anyway.”

Then, when the poll numbers never improved despite Jeb! looking “the least crazy and stupid” as McTavish put it, he figured the campaign, or whatever it is he was getting paid for, was over.

Losing the Iowa caucuses so poorly was when McTavish first thought Jeb! would hang his hat up, but still he pressed on. When Jeb! lost the New Hampshire primary and couldn’t even beat Senator Ted Cruz, who McTavish says the other Republican campaign staffs have taken to calling “Walking, Talking AIDS,” he really thought he would get an email the next day telling him to send back his official Jeb! decoder ring and secret handshake book. But that email never came.

“Honestly, for most of the campaign I wasn’t sure if Jeb! was actually running, or just showing up to the debates and adding his own variety of Bushian platitudes and deceptively regressive policies,” McTavish told our reporter as the interview was ending, “oh and also to tell us his brother really wasn’t as horrible as we all know he was, of course.” McTavish says that he’d “gladly” work for Jeb! again, because “nothing is better than getting a paycheck for doing a job that you know doesn’t matter because the person you’re working for has no chance of success. Talk about easy money!”


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