Have you ever heard of “classical liberalism” in your time on the Interwebs? I have, and I’m sure you have too. Classical liberals call themselves as such because in their minds, they’re the truly “liberal” ones for adhering to liberalism only as it pertained to 19th century philosophies and social mores. You see? They’re “classic” liberals, much like your old Apple IIe is a “classic” cutting edge computer.

Classical liberals love to compare themselves to the founders. In fact, if you ask a classical liberal, they’ll insist that they’re the ones who hew closest to what people like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Ben Franklin had in mind for this country of ours. And a lot of times we want to laugh at them for suggesting such a thing. But, as it turns out, I did some hard-hitting Internet research and found fave things that classical liberals absolutely have in common with the founders.

#5. Slavery Is A-OK — As Long As It’s Voluntary

No goddamned government is going to tell me I have to accept a living wage! Classical liberals believe in voluntarism. Which is to say that they have zero problems if someone is taken advantage of because in their minds, everyone is a super-brilliant person who’s never lied to, cheated, or swindled, and if they are, they choose it! Plus, we all know that the minimum wage was just a racist ploy from FDR, right? No, really, classical liberals believe that shit too. And we know that the founders were down with slavery because, well, a lot of them owned fucking slaves.

#4. Women Should Be Seen, Not Heard, And Definitely Not Vote

When the founders wrote the Constitution, they weren’t thinking about gender equality. After all, why would a woman need to vote if she probably wasn’t literate to begin with? So it took an honest to God constitutional amendment — the Nineteenth Amendment to be precise — to finally guarantee someone the right to vote no matter what genitalia they have. Classical liberals continue this time-honored cultural misogyny of yore by insisting the wage gap is a myth (easy to do when you lump together all occupations instead of comparing apples to apples), and that women really shouldn’t control their own vaginae, because life truly begins at erection, just before insertion.

#3. If Your Kid Is Old Enough To Crawl, He’s Old Enough To Work 40 Hours In A Salt Mine — As Long As It’s Voluntary

Back when the Constitution was written, the founders believed that federal government should stay as far out of the economy as possible. So back then, if you wanted your five year old Timmy to work in a coal mine or a factory, you could do it. Because true freedom means forcing your child into manual labor as soon as he’s old enough to walk. Classical liberals believe to this day that no barriers between a child and their earning potential should exist, and that’s why they’re all for repealing labor laws by the bucket load.

#2. Electricity And Indoor Plumbing Are Pure Voodoo

When the Constitution was ratified, even George Washington couldn’t take advantage of indoor plumbing. Yes, that means that the lion’s share of Washington’s presidential dumps were likely taken in an outhouse. Electricity wouldn’t get to the White House until 1891. Now, we have no idea of classical liberals eschew modern plumbing or electricity. But considering they shun things like modern scientific consensus on climate change, and they insist on trying to force us all to live like we’re still in the times before flushing toilets, we can at least assume they’d pretend to like it, just so they can act superior to we modern snowflake libtards.

#1. The 20th and 21st Centuries Have Not Happened Yet

To the founding fathers, there was no need to worry about the progress we’ve made in the 20th and 21st centuries. That’s because they were dead long before those centuries took place. Classical liberals also have no need to worry about 200 years of progress, but that’s because they don’t like how that progress looks or feels. They think that this country would be much better off ignoring all the reasons we had for changing or reforming how things worked, and instead just go backwards because “reasons” and “America” and “freedom.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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