Carly Fiorina: I Just Want to Taste Hillary

Carly Fiorina is clearly into Hillary Clinton, or she wouldn't talk about her all the time for no reason.

DES MOINES, IOWA — Viewers who tuned into last night’s Republican primary under card debate would have seen former HP CEO Carly Fiorina make attack after attack against the current Democratic front runner, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

During the debate, Fiorina constantly attacked Clinton for what she says is a lack of accomplishment, as well as calling Hillary and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, liars. After the debate, reporters caught up with Ms. Fiorina and asked her about why she targeted Clinton so much when she’s trying to make headway against a crowded field of candidates in her own party.

“Some have asked me if I’m a bit obsessed with Hillary Clinton, since I literally seem incapable of speaking four words without half of them being ‘Hillary’ and ‘Clinton,'” Fiorina told reporters, “but rest assured, this is not an obsession per se. I just have a deep, burning desire to be near her. To touch her. Is that an obsession,” she asked rhetorically.

Then, after more consideration, Fiorina bluntly pronounced,¬†“I’m not obsessed with Hillary Clinton, I just want to taste her pussy.”

Ms. Fiorina also told reporters in her mind she’s not a hypocrite for calling the Clintons liars when she has been found to be lying about the Planned Parenthood sting videos she saw, which indirectly encouraged a deranged gunman to attack one of the low-cost health provider’s facilities in Colorado Springs. “My lies are to protect zygotes, her lies are unprovable, but we will not stop investigating until we get to the bottom of them,” she insisted.

“I just get need to get all up inside it,” Carly said seemingly out of nowhere, while she was discussing another subject completely unrelated to Hillary Clinton. “I want to wear her groin like a comic book hero villain’s mask, know what I mean?” Then, Ms. Fiorina continued her talking points and transitioned to talking about tax rates for a few minutes.


Reporters asked Fiorina if it’s fair to criticize Clinton’s accomplishments when Carly herself has such a blunder as her tenure at Hewlett Packard on hers, and Fiorina has never won an election, unlike Clinton.

“What a gotcha question from the lamestream media, trying to get me to square my rhetoric with reality,” Fiorina chided the reporter, “and I’m not going to play your game. But I will play with Hillary’s bosoms while we enjoy saphic love.” Ms. Fiorina again pivoted toward Ms. Clinton’s genitalia completely out of context to what she had been saying before, and the reporters nearby called her on it. They asked why insists on dragging Clinton in one way or another into every discussion.

“Because I feel like she’s very much like me,” Fiorina said, “and since I’m in love with myself, I’m also in love with Hillary. Okay, so I know we’re nothing alike. She’s accomplished and has a stunning, stellar CV. I’m a no-talent hack who ran HP into the ground. But you know how in elementary school you teased the ones you liked? Well, perhaps I do doth protest Clinton too much.”

Fiorina said she will “make no apologies” for her Clinton obsession and “will not rest” until “she loses the election, is behind bars, and I’m giving her the most amazing motorboat in the history of motorboats.”

This story was cross-posted from The Political Garbage Chute.

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