Oh man, you know what Bernie Sanders should do now? He should quit. That’s the best possible thing he could do for all the people who voted for him in Hawaii, Alaska, and Washington, helping him take a good bite into Hillary Clinton’s lead.

Just quit on them Bernie! Nothing would be better for you, your supporters, or the country than for you to become a quitter after 30 years of public service grinding it out through some of the most batshit crazy years of Republican “governance.” From presidential blowjob witch hunts to the current shit-house version of our legislative body that exists today, you’ve been through and seen it all, making you quite prepared to handle the ugliness of modern Washington politics, but you should still quit, right now. Because that makes sense to do.

It doesn’t matter that once you take the superdelegates out of the counts that Sanders are well within striking distance of Clinton. It really doesn’t matter than in 2008 Hillary herself hung on until June. And above all, the fact that Bernie won with such convincing, massive margins of victory only means how vital it is that he end the primary process right now, hand the nomination to Hillary, and slink back off into the shadows, where reformers truly belong.

This country doesn’t need to change. The amount of dark money flowing into campaign coffers for everyone except Bernie? It’s just a silly thing to think about, really. What, you think just because someone gave a candidate hundreds of thousands of dollars they’ll expect favorable treatment from the candidate if they’re elected? Don’t you know? Rich people have so much money they just give it freely without any concern of getting it back some day. That’s why Trickle Down economics is so effective, you see.

Yes, Bernie, after marching toward margins of victory that don’t indicate an overwhelming majority of Democrats in at least three states favor him over Clinton, should just pack it all up. Winning primary elections doesn’t mean anything when you’re trying to become the nominee — establishment support and endorsements from status quo politicians do. Who cares that voters in delegate-rich states like California, New York, and Wisconsin haven’t voted yet? This thing is over already because other states have already voted. Duh. That’s how America works; first people to vote win, no matter who else hasn’t voted yet.

The biggest tragedy of the primary season of course is that Bernie didn’t have the brains to quit before he won in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii. If he had, then Clinton would’ve technically won, and isn’t that really what every person in the country wants, per Democratic Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz? She seems super-duper unbiased, so we should listen to her.

The bottom line is quite simple — despite the fact that not everyone has voted, the most important people have voted, clearly. Sure, if the primary schedule started somewhere other than in the deep south, we’d probably be asking what it would take Hillary to overtake Bernie, but shhh. Don’t think about that. Just sit back and think about how inevitability just feels more secure. Think about how anointing a winner months before the contest is safest, and will give you the candidate you actually want.

So it’s time to drop out, Mr. Sanders. Your momentum is nice, but you should sacrifice it to Clinton for “reasons” and “Democrat.”


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