Hey Anti-Abortion Whackjobs (Particularly Those Of You In Ohio),

Umm. So you’re really about to argue that a heartbeat is what should determine the line between a legal and illegal abortion, are you now? That’s what’s going on in Ohio, where a “heartbeat bill” has just hit Governor John Kasich’s desk. So if he signs it into law, abortion would be restricted past about the six week mark of a pregnancy, when a lot of women, perhaps most women, don’t have an earthly clue that they’re even pregnant.

I get it, you guys really have an obsession with protecting every single, solitary life…until they’re born. Then they become bottom-feeding leeches unless they hit the ground running, bootstraps pulled tightly, working five jobs if they have to in order survive, am I right? But six weeks is an insanely stupid point to make abortion illegal, considering what the chances are of a miscarriage. Are you really going to expand the size of government to the point you can investigate every missed period, because you’d kinda have to in order to really be sure no one was aborting their blastocyst or zygote without your permission.

So much for small government…unless you consider making it small enough to fit inside a woman’s vagina, or “pussy,” if you’re in the President-Elect’s cabinet, of course.

But let’s talk about this bullshit about using a heartbeat as some kind of indicator of life being present that simply must be protected at all costs. For starters, let’s just talk about how you’re once again trying to get us to a point where a life form that his wholly dependent on its host organism takes legal priority over said host organism. That is illogical and stupid, considering the fact that if you remove the life form from its host at the stage that a heartbeat can be detected, it will die very shortly thereafter. It’s not capable of being an individual human being yet, so why are we pretending it is?

Oh right, the fucking heartbeat, how could I forget?

But if a heartbeat is what sets life apart from being okay to terminate and not, why do so many of you anti-abortion nuts eat cows? Chickens have heartbeats, and we not only eat them after they’ve grown to full-size, we eat their aborted fetuses every day in this country, scrambled…with bacon…which comes from a pig, who also have heartbeats. So, why the hell does a heartbeat make a compelling argument to you?

You know what a compelling argument to me is? A woman is raped and impregnated, but she doesn’t know it. She misses her period, but thinks it might be because, oh, I don’t know, she’s emotionally traumatized from being all raped stuff. But another couple weeks go by, and it dons on her that, holy shit, she’s pregnant, and it has to be her rapist’s offspring because she wasn’t with anyone else. She goes down to Planned Parenthood, and she’s promptly turned away because, well, gosh darn it, it’s week eight, and that microscopic organism in her has a heartbeat!

If I were a woman in Ohio, I’d just start carrying a coat hanger and bleach everywhere I went, in case I’m raped and need to abort my attacker’s pregnancy I had no desire for and was literally sexually assaulted into existence.

That’s a compelling argument to me, not, “Oh my God! That life form has a heartbeat!”

Rats have hearts. Hell, Dick Cheney used to have a heart. Even Emperor Palpatine, the most evil Sith Lord ever? He had a heart. I don’t think we should be using a heartbeat to determine someone’s legal value and worth, do you?

Of course, I can hear you screaming at me from the other side of the computer screen:

“How could you compare a precious human baby to chickens, cows, ducks, pigs or any other animal?”

Because humans are animals too, and unlike you, I don’t think that makes us any more morally superior to them, that’s why. Science is fun, when you truly understand it, because you can actually find and celebrate the similarities in the species when you’re not denying the evolutionary forces that thrust us to the top of the food chain actually exist. When you get how truly interconnected and similar so many different species of animals are to one another, it makes hearing sycophantic religious whackjobs bleat on about the “sanctity of life” just a soupcon more entertaining, because you know full-well on a fundamental level, our biological procreative processes don’t make us superior to pigs, chickens or cows.

“But zygotes and fetuses have their own, unique DNA from their mothers!”

Cool. You know what else has their own, unique DNA? Tomatoes. Celery. Hell, kale has its own DNA. I’d say we all eat these things, but I’m sure you guys probably think kale is a liberal conspiracy because all the “hippy-dippy Hollywood liberal fagtard cucks” eat it. This argument is even stupider than the heartbeat one, because I can debunk it with fucking vegetables. Please, for the love of all things holy, embrace your inner Christianity another way.

Like you know, by feeding the kids who are already born and not forcing their parents to take a drug test before you give them money to feed said children with. Just a suggestion. The bottom line here is that trying to use an arbitrary thing like a heartbeat or DNA to shame women into giving up their reproductive autonomy is shameful, ignorant, and nefariously shortsighted when it comes to rape and incest victims. So just, please, for all our sake’s, knock it off.


Jambo The Clown


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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