It’s that time of year again — CPAC is underway. The Conservative Political Action Committee is the largest organized group of conservative voters, and every year their conference provides liberals with a decade’s worth of comedic material. Remember Sarah Palin’s Big Gulp stance against vile forces of libtarded soda taxes? Yup, that was at CPAC.

Some people like to soak up as much of the coverage as they can. I get it; you want to know how the other side thinks. Me though? I don’t need to watch that shit. At least not every God forsaken moment of it. I’ll watch the, um, “highlight” reels. That’s more than enough derp for me.

However, let’s say you want to have the same kind of experience and feelings as watching CPAC would induce, but without having to expose yourself to ignorant, misogynist, Christofascism wrapped in the flag. What do you do then? Well, fear not, intrepid readers, I’ve got some ideas for how you can simulate the experience of watching CPAC, without actually watching coverage of CPAC.

You’re welcome.

#5. Watch Every “Hunger Games” Film

Don’t feel bad about not “seeing how the other half lives” by ignoring CPAC. Trust me, you’re not missing much, and if you just watch all the “Hunger Games” films, you can call it “preparation for the future in Trump’s America.” It’s like getting a look into a crystal ball without having to actually be clairvoyant. Talk about a win-win.

#4. Stick Any Number Of Objects In Your Ears

The shitty thing about our ears is that they can hear shitty things. Like, I don’t know, a blathering religious sycophant insisting we have to force rape victims to carry their rapists’ fetuses to full term. Or a president attacking the free and fair press that’s a constitutionally-protected entity. You know, shitty things. But the un-shitty thing about our ears is that they’re not hard to plug, and thereby reduce the volume, maybe even completely, of the shit we’re hearing. You can try cotton balls, wadded up toilet paper, and hell, even a rusty tin dildo wrapped in barbed wire would be preferable to hearing the screeching, wailing moans of America’s right-wing.

#3. Clean Out That Tub Of Vomit And Diarrhea In Your Garage

Look, I don’t know why you’ve been keeping a tub of vomit and diarrhea in your garage. But as an American I support your right to stockpile disgusting bodily fluids however you see fit. In fact, you’ll be really glad you have that collection of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter tubs full to the brim with liquid terribleness. Because while everyone else is being force fed the bullshit of a political movement who believes there’s value in pretending the 20th and 21st centuries haven’t happened yet, you’ll be gleefully cleaning out those tubs of human filth, meaning YOU come out on top!

#2. Tap Dance On Black Ice, Naked

If you’ve ever lived in the mountains like I have, you know that when water freezes at night, it can form what’s called “black ice” on the road. Of course, Trump thinks “Black Ice” is what they used to call Ben Carson when he was the ice fetcher at a bar in his home town. But for our purposes, if you want to avoid CPAC and possibly cause yourself massive brain trauma or other physical injury, go somewhere super cold, wait for the water to freeze on the street, then strip off all your clothes and go tap dance on it. You’ll slip, you’ll fall, and if you’re lucky, you’ll somehow render yourself unconscious and therefore unable to listen to CPAC speeches.

#1. Stick Your Head All The Way Up Your Rectum

If you think about it, this might be the best, easiest, and frankly cleanest way to get that CPAC feeling without all the CPAC-ness that comes with it. Think of all the common ground you’d then share with CPAC attendees. But you don’t have to interact with them because you’re not there, you’re just at home, on the couch, with your head rammed completely up your own asshole. Trust us, you come out way, way, way on top here.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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