Are you super-duper offended that Alex Jones was tossed off Apple, Spotify, and Facebook? Do you misguidedly believe his First Amendment rights were suborned, and now he’s a victim of the PC-police libtarding their shit all over Alex Jones? In other words — are you either a recent coma victim and/or racist and/or really into easily debunked bullshit and/or missing 60-85% of your brain matter and considering boycotting them over it?

If so, boy do I have something to tell you, Buddy!


Seriously. Go. Leave. Don’t threaten us with a better time, know what I mean? Oh, you mean we’ll have fewer people with “Benghazi” or “Crooked Hillary” or “QAnon” as their middle names screeching at us about how letting transgender people shit where they want is literally worse than Hitler? Like, if you guys get so mad about what you think is censorship (it isn’t) you’ll all just quit, is that really what you’re trying to extort us all into giving a fuck about? Because, honestly?


Things were pretty chill and un-Nazi-ish for a great many years around social media before 2016. Yeah, there was some bargain basement, dime a dozen bullshit out there, but the dark web hadn’t vomited up neckbearded white nationalists onto us all in such unavoidable numbers until then. Now, they seem emboldened to pop their little fascist heads up and angrily scream about how James Gunn is a pedophile because of obvious, ten year old jokes. Pitchforks are getting lit over literal participation trophies that undeniably racist Americans put up DECADES after the Civil War ended. Man, did eight years of a Democrat fuck you all up, or was it, somehow, uh, darker than that?

Anyway, the point is, if you think that boycotting Facebook will get back at them and teach us all a lesson — by all means. Do it. Please, teach we libtards a big ol’ capitalist free market lesson. Leave Facebook. Just close up your account, Clem “Crooked Hillary Seth Rich’d Benghazi” O’Connell and go back to slinging conspiracy theories in the back rooms of tobacco shops in old parts of town. Go back to thinking your idiotic notions of white supremacy instead of boldly stating them as legitimate foreign and domestic policy in the 21st century.

Seriously, fuck on of out of Facebook forever if you think that’s where your moral high ground is taking you. Me? I tend to think your moral high comes from meth and xenophobia, but hey, we all have our own paths; no one can choose them for us

If your first instinct is to cry for the loss of whatever the hell it is that Alex Jones brings to the discussion, kinda “fuck you forever,” is what I’m saying.

The man spreads panic about vaccines, which could lead to a massive outbreak of a totally preventable disease if enough of his moronic followers take heed. Jones has spun up so much conspiratorial bullshit about Sandy Hook that families of the first graders that were slaughtered there cannot even visit their graves because of harassment Jones Cult Followers heap on them, insisting the whole shooting was a hoax and their kids either never existed or were actors.

Basically, if your argument is that social media companies have no right to shut off Alex Jones, you’re arguing The New York Times has to run a neo-Nazi manifesto if they’re told to. And the weirdest part is that SMALL GOVERNMENT conservatives are the ones pleading with the government to tell private companies how to run their affairs. What the chicken-pickin’-fee-fi-fiddly-fo-fuck is that all about? Oh right, hypocrisy.

I have a feeling most people won’t boycott Facebook, though. Because most people understand where they and the other social media platforms are going with this. Even as someone who is an independent satirist who has railed against Facebook’s opaque practices that give bigger outlets more power than little ones, I can’t get on the “free speech above all else” train. Not this time, not for Alex FuckFace Jones. Why, though? Why are MY morals so easily fudged?

They’re not.

No one has a right to a platform to cause pain and suffering. That is all Alex does. Whether it’s pain and suffering inflicted on Sandy Hook parents, or on his dumbass followers when they, finally, see through his horseshit, or the pain and suffering his moronic followers inflict on others. Jones is garbage, and sane people have been taking away the ability for people like him to reach the masses forever, and we’re not anywhere closer to the death of free speech now than we ever have.

Context matters. Who Jones is and what he stands for matters. Simple minded conservatives might say otherwise, but reality is what reality is. So please, everyone, if you’re going to leave social media over Jones’ ouster, by all means don’t let the cyber door hit you in the ass on the way out. We could use a little breathing room anyway; it’s gotten awful Nazi-tastic around these parts lately.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals


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