These 9 Losers Prove The DEA Is Dead Right About Marijuana

These losers prove the DEA's right to treat us like 12 year-olds.

Okay, I’ll admit it, at first when I found out that the DEA had decided to keep marijuana on its Schedule I of drugs with other, totally logical companions to it like cocaine and heroin, I was a little miffed. I wrote a satirical piece trying to paint this country’s hypocrisy on “drugs” in its proper light, and I wrote a Ranty Magillicuddy piece about it. But you know, I like to think of myself as an intellectually honest type. I like to think I can see new evidence and change my point of view based on that evidence.
So I started doing some intense research Google searching and looked up “the biggest losers to ever smoke pot” and “people who are such loser-ass losers because they smoked pot it ruined it for everyone.” And you know what? I think the DEA is right to keep us as far away from marijuana as possible. Once you see this list of people who smoked pot, I think you’ll agree with me.
So here, now, are nine losers who prove the DEA is dead right about marijuana.

ObamaThumbBarack Obama

Never amounted to anything. Except a U.S. Senator. Oh, and the president. The first black president at that, which is like a big ol’ historical deal and shit.

BillCintonThumbBill Clinton

Apparently this guy was such a marijuana addict that when he smoked it, he forgot to inhale. And they say that pot doesn’t make you forgetful! I guess when he wasn’t blowing his sax, he was blowing smoke out of his lungs from a big, fat, spliff, or spleef, or whatever the kids are calling it these days. That’s why the must’ve impeached him too, for admitting to using an illegal drug. Oh it was about a blowjob?

PhelpsThumbMichael Phelps

Nothing says “total pothead loser-ass loser” like winning more than 20 Olympic gold medals, am I right? It says a lot about a so-called “sport” if someone can toke up the big doobies — as the kids say — and still be the best athlete in that sport. Either that or it says something about stereotypes about pot.

CheechChongThumbCheech and Chong

Now here’s an example worthy of scorn! What have these two jerks done for the world, other than provide it with literally decades of hilarious satirical comedic material? Clearly Cheech and Chong show the world what happens when you smoke pot for an extended period of time…you amass a huge body of work and and an enormous following.
Wait. What?

SaganThumbCarl Sagan

You know that old chestnut about the dumb, slack-jawed pot smoker? Well, this guy wasn’t that…at all. He was one of the smartest men on the planet for a long, long time, and an outspoken advocate of marijuana use and reform. But you know what? He still ended up dying, so where’s your miracle drug now, HIPPIES?
That’s what I thought.

BillMaherBill Maher

One of the most well-known side effects of slamming too many joint cigars is that it can make you lazy. That’s why pot smokers can’t hold down the same job for several years, like this guy has. Oh sure it seems like he’s a good employment risk because he’s been doing essentially the same show for twenty years, but ask yourself if that means anything against all the propaganda we’ve to know and love.
I didn’t think so.

LadyGagaLady Gaga

What this lady do with her life, other than write amazing music? She smoked pot while writing said amazing music. Now that I’ve told you that, though, you probably totally hate her music and think she’s not talented anymore, huh? See? See what pot does to people?!
You’re welcome.

OprahOprah Winfrey

OPRAH? Even Oprah has smoked pot? Well goddamnit all anyway, you can’t say anything bad about Oprah. So fuck it, pot’s totally cool in my book. But that would mean I was lied to about it for a long time. That…just can’t be…Nancy and Ronnie Reagan were biologically incapable of lying about anything…that didn’t involve arms for hostages.
Oh well.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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