Some folks are a little terrified at the idea of Donald Trump being our next president. And by “some folks” I mean “anyone with a pulse and three or more brain cells to rub together.” The guy is a reality-TV whore and a billionaire trust fund baby asshole who incites violence at his rallies. He’s dumber than shit. He would literally be the worst person to ever set foot in the Oval Office as Commander in Chief, and somewhere hot and brimstoney Richard Nixon is hoping and pleading with the universe that Trump will win and make ol’ Tricky Dick look like a genius humanitarian by comparison.
But we got to thinking, what if Trump is by some nightmare elected? What could he possibly hope to accomplish, let alone in his first 100 days, which is a traditional milestone of any president? Well, here’s what we came up with…seven ideas for what Donald Trump will accomplish in first hundred days as president.
#7. A wall will be built…between Canada and the U.S.
Oh sure, Trump wants to put the wall up between the U.S. and Mexico, but if he thinks he can get a massive, multi-billion dollar project like this approved through Congress, financed, and built in the next 100 years, let alone the first hundred days of his presidency, he’s high on something he should be sharing. Instead, it’s probably far more likely that Canada will rush a wall of their own on their southern border to keep all the fleeing Americans out. Trump can still claim victory for this because a) it’s a wall and b) he does whatever the fuck he wants to at all times.
#6. Winning. Lots and lots of winning
The first 100 days of Trump’s presidency will probably be an epic tale of gridlock. But we’re sure that Donald will find a way to introduce non-stop winning to the mix. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He’s said he’s going to win, and he’ll win. He just does what he wants to do, and he said he’d be winning. So we be by the time a hundred days have gone by in his presidency, you won’t be able to throw a rock without hitting some goddamned winning around here!
#5. Only smallish to medium-sized gloves will be available at any store you visit
We’re not saying why, but Donald has a thing against regular sized hand apparel. That’s why his very first executive order (of roughly 734 he’ll issue the first day) will be to make it illegal to manufacture or distribute gloves larger than the average hand size of a toddler. Again, we’re not saying why this is. We’re not pointing out, for instance, Trump’s cartoonishly small mitts. We’re just saying he’ll make it illegal to have big gloves so he’ll feel better about himself. Take that however you want to.
#4. China will be less China-ish
Trump has built his campaign on a bevy of empty rhetoric aimed at all sorts of people, but he has been particularly keen on pouncing Mexicans and the Chinese. That’s why in the first hundred days of his presidency he’ll make it a priority to force China to be less China-ish, or at the very least to reduce their China-esque behaviors by 22% or more. What does that mean? Who the fuck knows? Donald surely doesn’t, so why should we? Just accept that somehow Trump will force China to do what he wants, because he’s a winner you see. All the other details can be worked out with a “bip, bop, boop” or a “bim-bam-boom.”
#3. He will re-annex New Mexico “Just Cuz”
One of the most fun and entertaining aspects of a Trump presidency will absolutely be his unpredictability. Maybe he’ll have a hamburger for breakfast, and maybe he’ll re-annex New Mexico for shits and giggles. We just don’t know. That’s what makes the prospects of a Trump presidency so scary-exciting-vomit inducing!
#2. He’ll be the first president successfully impeached and removed from office after declaring war on California
Remember what we said: Trump is going to be unpredictable AF as Commander in Chief. If he wants to declare war on California because he didn’t win the state’s electoral college votes, then he’s going to do just that, damn it! Of course, he’ll very likely be impeached since nearly no one in Congress will actually like him, oh and declaring war on a state is totally unconstitutional. Something tells us that even if he doesn’t declare war on California, Trump will still get the dubious honor of being the first and only president impeached and removed from office. He’s just that stupid, prideful, and ignorant about how the Constitution works not to.
#1. Nothing. Absolutely, positively nothing.
In all reality, this is what’s going to happen: Jack shit. After all, everyone hates him. Usually when a president is elected just roughly half of Congress hates him. But in this case, there are almost zero people Trump can count on as allies. Then again, if things really do go like they usually do, Republicans will line up behind Trump as we get closer to the General Election because to them defeating the other side is more important than principle, and believe me the Dems would do the same if Trump was their guy. But still, in the end, one really gets the feeling that he’s so universally hated that it’d only be a matter of months before he was hoisted on petard and we got whoever he chose for his Veep to step in…and hey, maybe we’ll be lucky and that person will be Sarah Palin.
Oh God…we’re all hosed.