Donald Trump has backed out of tomorrow night’s Republican primary debate because it’s being hosted on Fox News, and he’s a giant scaredy-cat when it comes to Megyn Kelly apparently. Never one to let a moment for self-publicity to pass him by, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) offered yesterday to hold a 1-on-1 debate with Trump. Of course, Cruz is the guy who took the “liberal media” to task during a debate hosted on CNBC, so it’s kind of hilarious that the two candidates who have the least testicular fortitude would be running so far and so fast away from a mean ol’ news anchor.
Cruz’s prior critique of debate questions got us wondering what questions, if any, he’d allow to be asked of he and The Donald during their Derpy Lincoln vs. Dopey Douglass debates, and here’s what we came up with.
#6. Is Hillary Clinton More Like Hitler or Obama?
Trick question of course! We all know the real answer is, “Barack Obama is the scientifically spawned progeny of Adolf Hitler who was created by taking DNA from brain fragments recovered from his bunker after he shot himself.” Therefore, Hitler is Obama, and since the evil libtard scientists haven’t invented the technology necessary to splice two people together, Hillary is not Obama or Hitler. She’s worse. Because “Benghazi.”
#5. Will Obamacare Be Like the Holocaust, or Literally Another Holocaust?
Nuance is everything. We all know that the Affordable Care Act is legislative AIDS that will devour our country and all our souls with it, but is Obamacare just like the Holocaust, or is it literally the Holocaust all over again? Well, if the genius of Sarah Palin is to be trusted, and when the hell is it not to be trusted?! — we know that part and parcel with Obamacare are the famous Death Panels. These of course are the secret panels of government bureaucrats that right-wingers are smart enough to know will be created to decide who lives and who is too expensive to keep alive. So therefore, you have to say that Obamacare is literally the exact same thing as The Holocaust.
#4. Is This a Christian Nation, or Does God Just Want Us All to Be Christians?
Again, when dealing with the subtle genius that is Ted Cruz, nuance is key. Sure, perhaps those damn liberals are right in that the First Amendment doesn’t allow for any religion to take supremacy over another. And damn it all if they aren’t right about it specifically saying there is no religious test to be given to hold any office, but does that really mean that we are to be a secular nation? Just because our founding documents say it to be so, and the overwhelming majority of us want to keep it that way? Maybe all it comes down to is that the Lord Thy God wants every American to be Christian and he will merely punish us all until we are. Make sense? Of course it does, it’s religion!
#3. Do You Think Liberals Should Have to Register With the Government?
Everyone on this planet knows the most dangerous people are liberals. They hate babies. They hate unpasteurized milk. They guns. They hate babies holding guns while drinking unpasteurized milk. And we even hear they don’t care too much if you pledge allegiance to our piece of cloth with stripey things and stars! Clearly a populace this dangerous needs to be registered and tracked, do they not? That’s why the correct answer here is that liberals should be registered and forced to wear big, flaming red “L’s” on their sleeves, so they are more easily identified and rounded up — er we mean ignored — in a crowd.
#2. How Many Babies Would You Personally Carpet Bomb If You Were President?
We all know that being “pro-life” means doing anything you can to protect the sanctity of a baby’s life. Unless that baby is the baby of a suspected terrorist. Then, fuck that baby! That baby should have known better than to be born to a person we think may have been conspiring against us to do something one day in the future, shouldn’t they have? If as Commander in Chief you can’t find the intestinal fortitude to personally fly a fighter jet over Yemen and carpet bomb civilians, then you have no business being anywhere near the White House, libtard!
#1. Are You Voting For Ted Cruz for President Like a Real American Will?
This is really the only question worth asking, like ever. Is your hair on fire? Tell us if you’re voting for Cruz before we put you out. Accidentally chopped off your arm with a chainsaw did you? Well, tell us if you intend to vote for Teddy and we’ll see about helping you the hospital, Stumpy. Only with Ted winning can America be made great (for white, evangelical Christians) again!