Establishment Republicans are freaking out over Donald Trump. Apparently, the thought never occurred to them that if they foment outrage at anybody and everybody, that they themselves would become the “anybody” or “everybody” at some point. So now, they have a lot of pissed off, racist and Islamaphobic assholes demanding they make Trump the nominee, but all they want to do is nominate someone who believes what Trump is saying, but who has the sense to keep the thoughts inside their brain and use dog whistle rhetoric instead.

But, really, can Republicans do at this point to stop the momentum the Donald has? Here are fourof our best suggestions.

#4. Build a wall around him

Why not take a page out of his own book? Just build a wall around Trump and make him pay for it! Genius, I tell you, pure and utter genius. Because as Trump has taught us, all you need to do to fix complex problems is a “one size fits all” solution. What better way to handle Trump than to simply corner him and wall him up behind tons of concrete?

#3. Put all their eggs in the basket of a guy that literally none of them like

I know how to fix the Donald Trump problem! Just replace him with someone equally as douchey, but more seasoned in politics. That makes sense right? I mean, just because they all hate Ted Cruz with a passion, that doesn’t mean it’ll seem purely political and cynical when they line up behind him only because he’s crazy too but just has been out-crazied by Trump this year, right? It won’t completely backfire on them when Trump just leaves and takes his voters with him, after they fuck him out of the nomination at the convention, right? Right?

#2. Find a more suitable candidate the establishments wants people to vote for

Wait! I’ve got it this time guys! Clearly this election is whipping up anti-establishment sentiments. Look at Bernie on the left and Trump on the right. Ideologically, the two couldn’t be more divergent from each other, but at the core of each man’s campaign is a roiling fire of anger and bitterness about a broken system. Some think it’s broken because of corporate influence and apathetic politicians, others because those libtards gave those uppity gays the right to be treated like humans. But the bottom line is that clearly the only way for the GOP to stop this anti-establishment train that’s jumped the tracks is to coalesce behind an establishment pick and then try to ram that pick down voters’ throats. That’ll work.

#1. Get in a time machine, go back eight years, and stop pandering to racists, homophobes, and Islamaphobes

While anything can and certainly has happened in American politics, it’s looking more and more like Donald Trump being on ballots in the General Election is all but a foregone conclusion. Barring his getting bored and quitting of his own volition, he will be the Republican nominee. All the convention shenanigans and desperate straw grabs to stop him wouldn’t be necessary if the GOP hadn’t spent the better part of 24 years — since Hillary’s husband took office — placating the crazies and the racists. Hell, you’d probably have to go back so far in time that you’d be able to stop Nixon’s Southern Strategy from going into effect, because that is obviously what put them on the trajectory to wind-up in the situation they’re in now.

So can they stop Trump? Of course they can. But that’s not really the germane question. What everyone needs to ask themselves is will enough voters show up in November to beat him, because it’s looking more and more like his own party has absolutely no answers to the problem he presents.


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