Everyone in the United States knows one thing — the War on Drugs has been an unmitigated success. Oh sure, so-called lovers of “freedom” or “liberty” or “being treated like an adult” might claim that it’s not nearly as successful as proponents claim, just because of, like, facts and stuff. But we have compiled this, rock-solid five point list of ways you can tell the War on Drugs has been the most successful domestic policy ever enacted in our nation’s history.

#5. Literally no one smokes pot, like ever.

They definitely never light up a joint right as they’re starting a list of, say, a list of reasons why the drug war is super-duper effective. Pot has become so scarce in this country that in certain states if you try to buy it, they just look at you funny, like you’ve asked if you can buy a night of hot unicorn sex from them. You never hear of celebrity pot smokers, or even, like, presidents who used to smoke a ton of doobage either. Thanks, Ron and Nance!

#4. You can’t buy cocaine in the grocery store.

Sure, you could point to the countless lives ruined over pot as a failure of the drug war. You could see mass incarceration as a dreadful side effect of the War on Drugs. But you know what? You can’t just walk into Wal*Mart and buy a fat bag o’ coke, can you Druggy McGillicuddy? No, you can’t. So, clearly the drug war has gotten some things right. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go actually go to Wal*Mart to buy guns, ammo, and the stuff to cook my own meth.

#3. Prescription pills aren’t drugs so who cares if people abuse them?

The coolest thing about the War on Drugs is that it totally ignores people who get hooked on prescription painkillers. Well, it doesn’t ignore them per se, it just doesn’t put anywhere near the focus on it. Sure, if a doctor is caught shopping his script pad, he’ll go to jail, and people who traffic in them will get punished. But ever notice how anti-drug campaigns focus on fucking weed? Because you know, it’s a “gateway” drug and other such things may not really, actually be true? You might notice that prescription drug abuse is way higher in white communities than in minority ones, but that’s just because you’re libtarded or something.

#2. It’s totally normal in free societies to lock up a huge percentage of one racial group for possession of a plant.

All this talk over whether the War on Drugs is good or bad is silly. Clearly in a society that is supposedly built on individual choice, the most logical thing to do with people who enjoy smoking a plant that ultimately just makes them hungry and tired is to put their fuckin’ asses behind solid iron bars for a long, long time. Because freedom isn’t free, but freedom also isn’t a stoner who likes the Dead, you hippie freak!

#1. Hold on, let me finish this bong rip and then I’ll finish this list.

Look, let’s be honest. There will never be another president who hasn’t at least smoked pot once. A multi-gold medal winning swimmer has been and out and proud toker for years now. But the War on Drugs isn’t just about pot. It’s about whether we learned anything from Prohibition or not. It’s about trying to police morality in a way that has only devastating consequences and does nothing to stop or deter the use of softer drugs. It’s about the fact that we should stop treating addiction like a crime in this country. It’s about the fact that crack has a stiffer sentence attached to it than coke.

It’s about the fact that ever since we’ve been able to we have altered our brain chemicals because the weight of the world sucks to have to shoulder sometimes. It’s about not being self-contradictory about whether “street” drugs or “legal” drugs are any different than someone whose addicted to fucking or eating. It’s about, ultimately, getting really real with ourselves and deciding we can approach and deal with substance abuse in a much more rational, logical, humane way.

And it’s also about how weed is pretty cool for a lot of people, too.


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