5 Things Trump Wants To Eat Instead Of Turkey On Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Week is upon us. It’s a particularly historic one this year, because it marks the first and perhaps last — depending on Robert Mueller’s handiwork — Thanksgiving in the White House for none other than President Donald Trump. It’s sure to be a festive and fun holiday season, Comrades! But did you know that President Trump hates turkey? It’s true, or at least it’s as true as anything the man himself says about just about any subject you can think of.

So in an attempt to help the president come up with non-turkey alternatives for his Thanksgiving dinner, and in a larger effort to get something published on this site to justify the hosting fees, I thought of five things Trump wants to eat instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.

Let me know how I did, and if you have any suggestions yourself!

#5. Something Deep Fried, It Doesn’t Matter What It Is

It’s hard to tell by looking him, but underneath that Adonis-like frame, Donald Trump really does have a soft spot for deep fried foods. Taco bowls, KFC, whatever! As long as it’s been deep fried in some kind of shortening or lard, this “healthiest individual ever elected,” will stuff it in his giant, orange face.

#4. Endless Bowl Of Salad With Russian Dressing

Donald Trump is an absolute health nut. Just look at him. Who else has cut such a stunning figure out on the golf course as our Chief Executive than Mr. Trump has? No one, that’s who, Billy. No one. So this Thanksgiving, perhaps Capt. Healthy will eschew fatty foods and turkey with gravy in favor of a big ass bowl of salad. And nothing would go with his endless salad bowl quite like a bucket of Russian dressing. Something tells me Trump’s got a pretty good supplier for all things Russian, anyway…

#3. Any Illicit Tapes From, Say, A Russian Piss Whore Or Whatever

Not saying one exists, but if there’s a video tape of a certain orange-faced tyrant enjoying the services of one of Vlad Putin’s bigliest, bestest cavalcade of pissing prostitutes, Trump would probably prefer it never see the light of day. So if he’s presented with the tape on a plate and some ketchup to smother it in, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to find him devouring the tape instead of his turkey.

#2.¬†Any Remaining Indictments From Robert Mueller’s Grand Jury

No one is really sure if Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s grand jury has any more indictments to hand out. But if they do, then it’s a foregone conclusion Apricot Pol Pot will want to get his hands on them. But how do you destroy indictments? You eat them, of course. So it goes without saying Trump would gladly salt and pepper the indictments, crumple them up, and stuff them down his gullet if given the chance.

#1. Ivanka

What? What’d I say?

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