Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) met with his party’s presumptive presidential nominee this week, and though both parties say that progress was made in unifying the Republicans, Ryan stopped short of endorsing Donald J. Trump outright. Wouldn’t you have loved to have been in the room for this meeting though? These two idiots have almost nothing in common except using the same organization to wield power and influence for themselves, but something tells me Paul may have just been trying to help show Trump how to be a better Republican, and here are the subjects I came up with that I’m pretty sure they delved into.

#5. Making government suck after telling people government sucks

One of my very favorite Republican paradoxes is the fact that they can convince their voters that government sucks, and then turn around and through their shitty governance, make that a self-fulfilling prophecy. Look at Brownback in Kansas. I am positive he has probably talked shit on government more than even most Republicans do, and I am equally positive he used that anti-government rhetoric to convince people his plan to obliterate the state’s government was a good thing. Now? Kansas is broke as fuck and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight for their economic woes. So there you have it. It’s like telling people getting punched in the face hurts while you put on your brass knuckles and wind up a haymaker.

#4. How to properly demagogue the poor while also saying you want to help them

If you’re going to be a Republican in this day and age you need to be able to both blame poor people for all the problems of the working class, but also give Republican voters the impression you somehow came about those same poor people. It’s certainly a delicate balance to walk, but using dog whistle racism like “welfare queens” is a good start. Also, drug testing welfare recipients despite there being no evidence that it catches nearly enough people using drugs to even be worth the costs of testing is a good tool to use. Paul Ryan is great at talking about “takers and makers” and as an Ayn Rand devotee, he’s perfectly suited to teach that brand of apathy to Trump.

#3. Being “fiscally responsible” while wasting millions of dollars on pointless scandal investigations

Being a Republican these days is a study in contradictory beliefs. Such as the one that dictates you be fiscally responsible with the taxpayers’ money. Of course, they run on the false presumption that liberals just want to waste tax revenue and have no regard for the costs of things, but their rhetoric about it is just plain bullshit. How many millions of dollars have they spent on Benghazi? And it’s not just at the federal level. Look at all the states passing clearly unconstitutional anti-LGBT laws. They will only end up costing their state millions, as did the lawsuits in the civil rights era aimed at keeping blacks segregated from whites. Fighting modernity is expensive, and Republicans are willing to back up the Brinks truck to their attorney generals’ doors, as long as they’re fighting to keep those uppity LGBTQ+ people from pissing and shitting where they want to, after they get married to any adult they want to, natch.

#2. Being in favor of “small government” that tells people who they can marry and where they can piss and shit

Everyone knows that Republicans are mostly conservative. And everyone also knows that conservatives believe in “small government.” They don’t want to be like those libtarded libtards who think government will literally fix every single problem like magic for them, for free. So conservatives believe instead in making government’s foot print super-duper small. That’s why they gut services for the poor, not because they don’t care, but because they just don’t want the government getting all tyrannical…unless you’re gay. Then, well, fuck you. Or if you’re transgender and want to piss in comfort — fuck you too. Then government needs to be small enough to fit in hour urethra. You understand, don’t you? Of course you do. And now, thanks to Paul Ryan, Donald Trump does too.

#1. Being “pro-life” but also favor the death penalty and going to war in every single country possible

Republicans are the champions of the unborn. This is why the love to tell rape victims to just get over it and have that rape baby, you see, cuz “life.” Now, if you’re thinking that means they are also anti-war, and anti-death penalty, then shut up libtard! You see, when they say “pro-life,” they really kinda only mean “pro-forced birth.” The key to being a Republican on this issue is to bleat all the platitudes you can about the sanctity of life, but then when asked about taking care of those babies once they’re born, pivoting back to the “makers and takers” rhetoric. Ryan is uniquely qualified for this conversation, so maybe that’s what he was showing Donnie how to do the other day.


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