George Zimmerman, douche faced fuckwit that he is, tried to sell his murder weapon at auction. Thankfully, it appears the auction house has pulled the listing, but it got me to thinking about what I would do with Zimmerman’s murder weapon if I had bought it, and here are the five best answers I came up with to that very question.
#5. Shove it completely and fully into George Zimmerman’s asshole, sew said asshole shut
If I had somehow had the inclination, cash flow, and time to buy Zimmerman’s murder weapon, you know, the gun he used to kill an innocent kid in cold blood? Anyway, if I had won the auction, I think I’d be most interested in fulfilling what I believe must be its true destiny — being lodged inside Zimmerman’s cornhole for all eternity. Does it provide justice for Trayvon? Of course not. But it provides me — and all of us, really — the satisfaction of knowing we had crammed his murder weapon — you know, the handgun he had that he used to kill Trayvon after acting like a wannabe cop and harrassing him — up his arrogant ass. So that’s ultimately a net-positive in my world.
#4. Have it autographed by O.J. Simpson
I mean…right? Conversely, the Juice could send a very nice — TOTALLY RANDOM — knife to Zimmerman, and ol’ Georgie could sign it for O.J. Maybe it would lead to a sitcom, Killin’ Time with The Juice and the Douche. Oh wait, I forgot that only one of these TOTALLY NOT MURDERERS is actually a free man right now. Although, Zimmerman’s certainly acted like he’d love to spend a little more time in a cell what with all his road ragin’ and domestic violencin’ and shit. Oh well. They’ll just have to put their murderer’s admiration society on hold for awhile, I guess.
#3. Melt it down and turned into a dildo, then shove it completely and fully into George Zimmerman’s asshole, sew said asshole shut
I realized just now that getting the gun — remember, it was the gun he used to kill a kid who was literally breaking no laws — into Zimmerman’s asshole as it is now might be difficult without surgery. I’m not made of money so I thought that maybe it’d be cheaper to have the gun melted down and turned into a dildo. Then, it should be much easier to get it up in the murderer’s asshole, where it can be sewn shut inside it.
#2. Have it autographed by Darren Wilson
#1. Pretty much anything as long as it winds-up shoved completely and fully into George Zimmerman’s asshole and then said asshole is sewn shut
It really is a great thing that the gun auction — you know, to buy the gun that George Zimerman murdered Trayvon Martin with? — was pulled down. Nothing is more insulting to Trayvon’s family than to try and profit off his murder. But if there is one negative about it, it’s that I’m sure whoever would have bought the gun was probably thinking the same thing I was about shoving it up his asshole and sewing it shut. Otherwise, whoever bought that gun is clearly the most disgusting human being on the planet, and probably at least a little racist. The kind of person who thinks black people just commit more crime because they’re culturally violent or violent because of their biology.
And, like, in this country that’s totally not possible right?