Sarah Palin. She’s dumb. She’s vapid. She’s incredibly ill-informed and ignorant. She’s also one of the most respected politicians among the Tea Party movement that is currently fighting the Republican Party establishment for control of America’s political right-wing. Some might be so crazy as to think that the reigning Half-Term Half-Wit of the North endorsing your campaign would be the kiss of death, but believe it or not there are at least six reasons why Palin’s endorsement won’t just win Trump the nomination, but is guaranteed to help him take the White House this fall, and here are five of those six reasons now.

#5. Republicans Really, Really Love Dumb People

I’m not even being all that sarcastic here. Seriously, think about it. Republicans celebrate dumb, and they celebrate it often. How many times have you heard even the most basic of facts — like evolution — called into question by a Republican because it doesn’t jive with their religion? How often do we hear school and education itself referred to pejoratively as if making yourself smarter is something only elitist liberal snobs aspire to? Hell, just look at who some of the Republicans brightest stars of the last decade — Palin, Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, and now Trump. To Republicans, being dumb is a badge of honor as long as while you’re dumb you’re thumbing your dumb nose at liberals, and all of those people have helped shine a light on the undeniable fact that the GOP is now  — and likely will be for the foreseeable future — the Party of Dumb.

#4. Who the Hell Even Votes Nowadays?

Voter turnout in 2012 was 54%, down 3% from the 2008 election. It was 53% when Ronald Reagan was elected in 1980. What does this mean? It means that just like all the other elections in recent memory, it will absolutely come down to who does actually show up to vote. Typically Democrats show up to the big year elections more than they do the off-cycle ones, and the makeup of the Electoral College map does seem to favor the Dems this time around, but you just never know. With Palin out there whipping up the base into thinking they can topple not only the Democrats, but the GOP establishment that has “forsaken” them by not completely dismantling the federal government, what if that is just what the Republicans need to just edge out their rivals? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

#3. Ronald Reagan

Stop and think about it for a couple minutes. At the risk of showing my age, I was literally less than a month old when Reagan was elected in 1980, but I have to imagine that all over the country and indeed the world, many thinking people were outright laughing at the idea of a B-grade actor being elected President of the United States. Yet, we’re still dealing the ramifications of “Reaganomics” all these later. Donald Trump makes Reagan look like Winston Churchill. Let’s not go writing off a B-grade reality TV star with a D-Grade hair style and an F-Grade intellect, just yet though. Clearly stranger things can and have happened in the course of human events.

#2. There Is No God

Childhood cancer and Donald Trump being elected president I think are probably two of the biggest ways one can tell there is no God. Firstly, no deity, no matter how full of smite, would look at a four or five year old kid and say to themselves, “Yeah, I think they need to die a horribly long, drawn out, painful death they can’t even comprehend, right now.” It’s just too fucked up. Granted, this is the same God who told Moses to kill his own son so what do I know? President Donald Trump is literally like childhood cancer — something so terrible it disproves the existence of a benevolent creator…then again…

#1. There is a God, He or She Is Just a Dick

Maybe if Trump is elected it actually proves there is a God, but that they have a really horrible sense of humor. I could see it. Practical jokes are pretty subjective as to their overall hilarity, so maybe God in her infinite wisdom would think to herself, “Let’s fuck with everyone in America by making Donald Trump their leader for a few years,” thinking it was just harmless shenanigans and meaningless lulz. The next thing you know though, Trump is rounding up Muslims, repealing Roe Vs. Wade by executive order, and making his hair the new National Bird…’s nest. Sobering shit, isn’t it? So let’s all just hope that there is no God. Or barring that, that whoever God is, they aren’t an asshole.

Oh boy. We’re screwed.


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