Do you find yourself wanting to party like it’s 1799? Then congratulations! You might be a Constitutional Originialist! What’s a Constitutional Originialist, you ask? It’s someone who thinks the Constitution, which was written over 200 years ago by rich, elitist men who decided counting black people as not quite a full white person was better than you know, ending slavery and stuff, should be treated and interpreted only as it would have been when it was written. But some members of the intelligentsia and academia might suggest that this is nonsensical and dangerous to not acknowledge modern times and modern problems that need modern solutions.

Poppycock! We have five, rock solid reasons you should be a Constitutional Originialist, and here they are.

#5. We’re Still Blood Letting, Using Leeches to Remove Toxins, and Whiskey’s Our Only Anesthetic!

Listen, hippies, everyone knows that by the late 18th century humankind had perfect literally everything. This includes medical care. Back when the Constitution was signed, we didn’t need any fancy anesthetics, we just had good ol’ fashioned bourbon, or grain alcohol if you really needed it! We didn’t have antibiotics, we had snake oil and leeches! Have a cold? Just slice your arm open and bleed the sickness out. So guess what? We don’t need universal healthcare, we just need what the Constitution promised us back when it was signed — 18th century “medicine.”

#4. You Want to Start Using the “N” Word With Impunity Again!

We have made a ton of racial progress in this country since the Constitution was written. Sure, we had to fight a war to end slavery because the guys who drafted the Constitution kicked the most racist can down the most racist road ever, and yeah we had to go another hundred years under defacto slavery with sharecropping and Jim Crow, but you know what this country really needs? To wipe all that out and go back to how it was in the Constitution, originally. So, sorry black folks, you’re going to have to just go back to being treated like a piece of farm equipment, because we just can’t act like we live in 2016, we have to act like we live in 1787 instead. Because “freedom” and “liberty,” of course.

#3. Women Don’t Need a Say in Their Government!

Perhaps one of the things that the founder got most right was their disenfranchisement of women. You see, when the Constitution was originally written, there was no promise of a woman’s right to vote. It wasn’t until the 19th Amendment was ratified more than 130 years later that women got the right to vote, and do you how badly things have gotten? I mean, I don’t want to point out the obvious, but women get the right to vote in this country in 1920 and then just a mere decade and a half later Hitler’s doing his Holocaust thing? Coincidence? I think not. Clearly, constitutional orignialism would have prevented Hitler’s reign of evil, by keeping American women out of the voting booths.

#2. People Still Only Live to the Ripe Old Age of 50 Anyway!

So many Americans just presume because we live in the modern era that we have it better than they did back when they originally wrote the Constitution. Hogwash. Who needs indoor plubming? Who needs an FDA making sure your beef isn’t tainted? These are all libtarded fantasy dream things that aren’t really necessary. People didn’t have those things back in the day, and they lived long, fruitful lives, and died around 50, if they made it that far. Perfect, if you ask me.

#1. Nothing Has Changed or Will Ever Change!

At the end of the day, isn’t this the best argument for locking ourselves into a society that was formed almost 240 years ago and never changing? Because if nothing ever changes, then why should our views of our laws? Sure, firearms now can kill as many people as you can flick your finger and reload, but is that really different from muskets that took so much time to load you could probably empty a few magazines with modern semi-automatic technology? Should we really consider changing how we interpret our laws and society just because we have changed and evolved? Or should we try to keep ramming our square pegs into every round hole imaginable, because we’re too chicken-shit coward to accept reality and we’ll fight hard against it and call it “conservatism”? Your call.


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