Oh, sure, Michigan’s Governor, Rick Snyder (R) is a royal douchebag. In the pantheon of douchebaggery that is American political theater, willfully ignoring the obvious signs of lead poisoning in children, and allowing it to continue unabated for months, pretty much puts you in the running for the title price in the “Douchebag Grand Prix and Beauty Pageant,” without a doubt. But believe it or not, after doing some incredibly detailed research* and taking copious, laborious notes**, I was able to find five reasons that Snyder isn’t The World’s Biggest Douchebag, and here now are the results of that research***.
5 Reasons Gov. Rick Snyder Isn’t the World’s Biggest Douchebag
#5. He’s Not Hitler
Look, it just wouldn’t the Internet political chatter without a reference to the Man Who Ruined That One Kind of Mustache, would it? But in this case, it really does help to keep it in perspective that Snyder isn’t Hitler. No matter how many kids may have ended up extremely sick and possibly died because of Snyder’s gross incompetence and malfeasance, at least he didn’t put those kids in an oven, right?There is that. Sure, ten people have died of Legionnaire’s Disease, which shouldn’t be happening anymore and is a clear example of what happens when government decides saving a few bucks is more important than the lives of its citizens, but hey, he’s not Hitler, am I right?
#4. He’s Not Donald J. Trump
Everyone who follows American politics knows the biggest douchebag out there right now is Donald Trump. He’s saying the kinds of things that maybe a lot of his base thinks or feels deep down, but their candidates would never say out loud for fear of being drummed out of the election when their polling numbers plummeted. Not ol’ Donald though. He just keeps rising in the polls. Then again, for all the terrible things Donald Trump has said, he’s still an unelected douchebag, Snyder actually holds real power. That power is something he decided not to exercise and he let dozens of children get sick, and thousands become exposed to toxic amounts of lead, so…maybe it’s a tie with Snyder and Trump right now.
#3. He’s Not a Kardashian
Ugh, those Kardashians! Right, guys? They’re all like, so annoying and stuff. They won’t shut up about themselves and watching any of them speak for more than five minutes is hazardous to your brain cells. Oh, and the willfully ignored reports that the drinking water in their state was contaminated with lead and sat back while kids got extremely sick, and a health crisis so large the federal government — which its Republican governor of course reviles — had to swoop in and declare a State of Emergency. Wait, no, that wasn’t any of the Kardashians. That was Rick Snyder.
#2. He’s Not Kylo Ren
Fuck Kylo Ren. Have I said that yet? Because fuck him. Doesn’t matter if he’s redeemable or not; they killed off a cinematic icon with a whiny, wannabe Vader who was actually way more like Anakin than Han (RIP, also SPOILER ALERT!), so at least Snyder didn’t kill my favorite (and the best) character in the Star Wars universe. Then again, Kylo Ren, as evil/emo and annoying as he is, didn’t knowingly let the continuing poisoning of children he’s responsible for get swept under the rug while he did nothing about it, so maybe this one’s a draw.
#1. Okay, So Maybe He Really Is The Biggest Douchebag Out There Right Now
The more I think about it, since Hitler’s long dead and he pretty much has the genocide thing going on that Snyder doesn’t, and since he’s at least tied with the other biggest d-bags around right now, I’m going to go ahead and just call the guy thinks a little lead in children’s diets is fine as long as it doesn’t have any impact on his political clout and power will be the biggest douchebag no matter who else he’s compared to. So at least until some other asshole politician does something even worse than ignoring lead poisoning in the children in their purview, Snyder gets to eat this particular taco all by his lonesome.