You would probably assume that of all the groups that could possibly provide large amounts of support for presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump’s campaign, that Muslim Americans would not be on that list. After all, how could they support someone who has made it clear he’d have no problem making efforts to keep anyone who belongs to their religion out of the country? But I did some research — and I mean that in the Internet’s definition of the word, “Googling for 30 seconds” — and I found five solid reasons that Muslim Americans should support Donald Trump.

#5. Because it’s not like there’s anything in the Constitution that says we have to respect your religious beliefs!

As far as I’ve been able to glean from several conservative Facebook pages, groups, and Internet message boards, despite what I was taught in third, eight, eleventh, and twelfth grade, there actually is nothing in the Constitution about respecting religious beliefs. That apparently is a “libtard myth” concocted by “libtards.” Or at least that’s what slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, cousin-fucking, ammo-hoarding patriots seem to believe applies to Muslims (and probably Jews, too) anyway.

#4. Because liberty and equality is really hard, y’all!

Okay, so maybe you’re really insistent that you be treated fairly and equally. I guess that’s technically your right as an American, no matter what your religion. But, I mean, have you ever tried to live in liberty and equality? It’s hard! Like, really hard! So isn’t just kind of easier, and therefore totally better, for you to just sit down, sit back, and shut up? Donald Trump thinks so, and when the hell has Donald Trump ever been wrong about anything?!

#3. Because the 14th Amendment is just a myth!

Sure, I had been taught in school that after the Civil War, as part of the legal effort to not only abolish slavery, but to ensure that it never came back again, the 13th and 14th amendments were drafted and ratified. And of course I also learned the 14th’s Equal Protection Clause was also the justification behind ending Jim Crow laws and has for the last 150 years or so served as a means to continue to do better at keeping our promise of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness to everyone. But as it turns out, if you ask a conservative, that’s all libtarded poppycock, and the 14th either doesn’t exist in the way we know it does, should never have been written, or is yet another piece of evidence of the tyrannical nature of the federal government. So sorry, Muslim Americans, you don’t get equal treatment under the law after all.

#2. Because only Christian Americans get to write religiously-based laws in this country!

Everyone knows that one of the major risks of treating Muslim Americans like average citizens is that every single, solitary Muslim wants to force us all to live under Sharia Law. Well, Sharia Law is just a fancy Muslim term for “religious laws” and as we all know you can’t write those in this country…unless you’re a Christian. Then you can, under the guise of “religious freedom” tell people where they can poop or pee, and up until last year you could tell two adults they weren’t allowed to get married if they wanted to. So sorry Muslim Americans, if you want to be able to write religious laws, you either have to convert to Christianity, or you have to move to a country that kowtows to YOUR imaginary friend!

#1. Because if you really want to be an American, sometimes you just have to vote for a fucking idiot for no good goddamned reason at all!

President George W. Bush. Republican Vice-Presidential candidates Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin. American history is littered with political figures that one can only assume wouldn’t beat a box of used dildos in an IQ contest. So c’mon Muslim Americans! Take your place next to some of the most dedicated American patriots in our history, and vote for a complete and total idiotic jackass, just because you like how he “tells it like it is,” or some other such meaningless platitude.


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