Choosing a president is a tough decision, there is no doubt about that. This year, both political parties have offered up many candidates to choose from, and some of them are even technically human. One might find any number of reasons to cast a vote for someone like Hillary Rodham Clinton, but only if things like leadership, experience, and time serving the country mean anything to you. Beware, Clinton supporters! These are just five of the reasons we could come up with off the top of our heads to not vote for her! Read them and familiarize yourself with them completely, it’s not too late!
#5. You’ve Always Thought “Idiocracy” Would Make a Great Documentary
If you’ve never seen it, “Idiocracy” is a hilarious movie that shows us what can happen to our society if we keep heading down an anti-intellectual path. There is one party that is the champion of anti-intellectualism, and that’s the Republican Party. So not voting for Hillary could potentially hand the election to the Republicans, but don’t worry about that! It’s not like smart people ever did anything for this country anyway, right? Right. So just don’t vote in November if Hillary’s the nominee and you’ll finally get to live like a movie star!
#4. 51% of the Population is Enough, 100% of the Oval Office is Too Much
Ugh. Why are women so gung-ho to occupy the White House? Isn’t occupying 51% of the population enough for these Feminazis?! What, just because men have led this country into slavery, Civil War, denying women the right to vote, holding black people in Jim Crow for decades, Vietnam, the Iraq War and chose Sarah Palin as their running mates — does that really mean we have to go and give the ladies a try?! What is this, America or some country where they let women be leaders? Because Germany has a female leader and they Holocausted people once. So you know, fair warning about Hillary is all.
#3. Poor and Sick People Can Fuck Off
If Hillary doesn’t win the presidency, there is a chance that Obamacare could go away, and with it the millions and millions of people who now have health insurance coverage. Preexisting conditions are back in vogue, and grounds for keeping those greedy Poors from getting life saving medicines, as if they’re entitled to be alive. Pfffft. Sure, every single Republican has pledged to gut Obamacare, but hey, don’t let me do any more convincing you to vote for them than I already have done so far!
#2. Planet Earth Has Had a Good, 6,000 Year Long Run Already
Sure, yes, Hillary has been a lifelong advocate for environmental protection. And if you want to get technical about it, our planet is warming at an alarming rate. But does that really mean we shouldn’t hand control of the country over to the people who literally don’t believe scientists tell the truth about climate change? Don’t be silly! This earth has put in 6,000 hard years working. How many years have you worked in your life? So give it a rest, and let Mother Earth pass away, the way God intended, and don’t vote for Hillary or anyone else foolish enough to want to protect the one planet in the entire known universe we can inhabit.
#1. Ideological Purity is More Important Than Basic Humanity
It’s November, and for some reason your candidate didn’t secure the nomination for his party. So you’re going to punish his party by not voting. That’s a tremendous idea! Sure, you’re also punishing the rest of us, because despite what you want to feel to be true, we really do live in pretty much a two party system and there is a need sometimes to be an adult and choose someone who is not your ideal but better than the alternative. But don’t let that stop you! Ideological purity is the only thing matters, not the lives of millions of Americans and at the very least not letting the party who wants to further erode the working class is just dumb talk for dummies! Don’t vote for someone unless they completely agree with you on every, single, solitary issue. In fact, maybe you all should just write your own damn name into the ballot, yeah? That way you know for sure who exactly it is you’re voting for.