You know, there’s not a lot to like about President Trump. He’s loud, obnoxious, boorish, self-involved, self-delusional, racist, xenophobic, out of touch with the common American, and he’s apparently really fucking ignorant about history, to boot. Just when you thought he couldn’t say anything more stupid than the last time he said the stupidest thing in American political history, Trump goes and openly wonders why the Civil War was fought as if a) scholars and historians haven’t and don’t debate and study that subject all the time and b) we don’t already know the answer.
Well, I should say that those of us who don’t still believe the same anti-union, pro-slavery, pro-confederacy rhetoric that the actual confederacy used know the answer. The kinds of people who think a useless border wall will stop Islamic terrorism? They don’t. The kinds of people who simultaneously tell you that racism is over in America and also that Barack Obama made the country more racist? Yeah, they don’t know either.
But all this talk of whether or not our alleged president knows his dick from his balls when it comes to the Civil War got me thinking — what kinds of reasons would the Donald come up with for why the Civil War was fought, and here are the five I feel are closest to being accurate, based on the facts presented to us.
#5. The Confederate States Just Wanted a Pepsi
The Civil War could have all been avoided if the Union had just given the Southern states a gall-dern Pepsi! It’s true. Back in like, the 1800’s or whatever? The South was all to the Norht, “Hey, North, just give me a Pepsi, please.” All the Confederacy wanted is a Pepsi and the North wouldn’t give it to them. All they wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi! And the Tyrant Lincoln wouldn’t give it to then, just a Pepsi. So they wrote letters to the federal government telling them they were going to leave the union because they couldn’t have a Pepsi…oh and because they couldn’t own black people like furniture or whatever, but you know…it was mostly the Pepsi thing.
#4. Obama Did It
What did Obama do? Who knows. Maybe he wasn’t alive back then, but neither was Andrew Jackson. And as our alleged president pointed out, mortality didn’t stop Jackson from having thoughts and observations in his “big heart” about the Civil War. So how could we really say for certain that Obama didn’t use black Sharia voodoo on the world, get born (in Kenya, natch) early, start the Civil War so that a hundred years later he could be born at a time where he could be elected president one day, and then traveled back through time, into his mother’s womb, and lived out the rest of his life, fooling the American people into voting him into office twice, where he nearly brought down America from within, and he would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those darn snoopin’ kids!
#3. Some Jerks Were Going to Steal the Plans to the Confederacy’s Planet Killing Super Weapon
Wait. Maybe Trump’s confusing the plot of Rogue One with his American history. It wouldn’t be the first time he thought something he saw in a movie theater was real life. For decades, Donald thought every time he met a little person they’d take him down a yellow brick road to meet his mother in a castle with all her flying monkeys. And that movie is where he got the idea for having Vladimir Putin be the real president behind the curtain while Trump gets to play the part of the massive head that everyone sees and assumes is in charge, but really isn’t.
#2. The Civil War Was a Chinese Hoax
What if I told you the Civil War wasn’t actually a thing and that it’s all a hoax made-up by the Chinese government? You see, back in 1985, Chinese President Tommy China was all, like, “Woah, America’s too powerful. We need to bring them down a peg. Let’s, like, convince them they used to be pro-slavery and a bunch of them broke off to try and preserve their right to enslave people so they could stay rich. Yay, us!” Sure, it’s not true, but it’s just as true as most of the other shit that Trump apparently believes. So you know, YOLO.
#1. Donald Trump Started, Fought In, and Single-Handedly Won the Civil War All By Himself
Of course, we all know the real truth. The Civil War — like everything in American history — owes its existence to Donald J. Trump. It was Trump who fought at Bull Run, Gettysburg, Vicksberg, and Richmond. Trump led his famous march to the sea, through the South. Trump freed the slaves. Trump personally signed both the Union and Confederate sides of the treaty at Appomattox. All Hail Trump! We love Trump! Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump!
Oh, sorry, I apparently slipped and fell into a pile of meth and smoked it just before writing this piece. My bad.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.