It’s starting to look more and more like if there is a God, she really, really hates Americans because Donald J. Trump is steamrolling himself to a Republican presidential nomination, and our country is nowhere near enough bereft of idiots for me to have any confidence in his defeat anymore. So that means we need to start talking about who he could choose as his running mate. And who could possibly be the Second In Command to such a bombastic, bewigged douchehorn? Here are five suggestions I could come up with.

#5. Donald J. Trump

Is it constitutional? Does Donald care if it is? If you think about it, the only person probably even willing to be Trump’s Vice President would probably be Trump himself. Maybe one of his wives can stand him long enough, I don’t know. But pound-for-moronic-pound, I have to imagine that the Donald himself would prefer to just occupy both offices as yooge winners always do.

#4. Sarah Palin

If no one is bombastic enough as Trump to be his veep, perhaps no one is dumb enough as Sarah Palin to fill that same hole. We already know they have a relationship, thanks to her rambling and incoherent endorsement speech. We also know that Trump would consider her for a cabinet role, and the VP gets to sit in on cabinet meetings, so this really does seem like the perfect fit and a match truly made in the fiery depths of Mordor.

#3. The AIDS Virus

Okay, so technically I’m not sure if you have to actually be a human being to be Vice President. But, I’m pretty sure Dick Cheney’s existence proves you actually don’t have to be anything remotely resembling a human being to sit in the VP’s chair. And let’s face it, the AIDS virus is much less a threat to our continued survival than President Donald J. Trump would be. So I say, bring on the AIDS!

#2. A Bag of Barbecue Flavored Potato Chips

Since we’re into the truly absurd options now — not that a Trump presidency isn’t the premiere absurdity in the known universe — why not a bag of barbecue flavored potato chips? Americans love fried potatoes. Americans love barbecue. Bing-bang-boom, Vice President Barbecue Chips Jones at your service. You know it’s a better option than Rick Scott, anyway.

#1. Who Cares? We’re All Going to Die Anyway

I mean, does it really matter who he picks? If Trump’s elected, unless he really is the Democratic plant that he’s been accused of being at times, it’s all bad the country, no matter who he taps as his second in command. He could choose Abraham Lincoln or Gandhi and since he’d still be the one calling the shots, it wouldn’t matter. And you damn-well he’s not choosing a Lincoln or Gandhi type if he’s serious about Republican voters electing him. It doesn’t matter who he picks, we’re all going to die anyway, so we might as well just sit back and enjoy that nice fiddle music I’m hearing…hey, are those flames over there in Rome?


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