People who think that Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is one long, practical joke might have felt like they had their suspicions confirmed this weekend when Mr. Trump boldly proclaimed he could walk out into the street and shoot someone and not lose voters. Normally, if a presidential candidate said something so outlandishly stupid and disconnected from reality, it would spell the end of their campaign, but well, this is 2016 and it’s Donald Trump, his supporters, and the Republican Party we’re talking about here, so we decided we’d better put a short list together of all The Donald’s potential targets. and below are the five people we think are most likely to be capped by Trump in the coming days and weeks.
#5. Sarah Palin
Now, before you think we’re crazy, keep in mind that although Sarah just endorsed Trump for the GOP nomination that ultimately The Donald serves just one person — himself. So even he isn’t stupid enough to forget that Palin is one of the most reviled figures in politics outside the right-wing Tea Party bubble. Therefore, he probably figures if he shoots Palin in such a way that just wings or grazes her he might pick up a few moderates who wouldn’t mind seeing Ms. Palin shot, but not necessarily murdered in cold blood by their candidate of choice as Trump suggested. Also, considering that Sarah’s been known to put cross hair icons over her political enemies on her website, there would be a certain Karmic justice in her getting shot in her butt or something; though we wouldn’t want to be accused of trying to silence the opposition, would we?
#4. Some Random Mexican and/or Muslim
It would be really perfect for Donald if he could find a volunteer who was either a Mexican or a Muslim, or better yet both, to be shot. Nothing would whip up his base faster than him shooting a Muslim because according to them, despite the fact that white shooters have made up the overwhelming number of domestic mass shooting — you know, terrorist attacks? — perpetrators, Muslims are the only terrorists we have to fear in this country. And if he couldn’t find a Muslim, a Mexican will do, since they also represent America becoming less America-y to Trump’s base.
#3. A Random Homeless Person
Now, before you all freak out at the suggestion of shooting a homeless person, just remember that to Republicans homeless people aren’t really homeless people; they’re just “the homeless.” You see, when you can separate the humanity from someone you can immediately feel much more okay with not helping them when they need help. To Republicans, the homeless are homeless not because of circumstances outside their control that any of us could fall prey to (not that every homeless person is a victim of circumstance but you get the point), but rather because they made the conscious choice one day to be broke and homeless. So to Republicans, Trump shooting a homeless person really wouldn’t be murder, since murder to them is only when you kill an adult or end the life of a zygote. See? No harm, no foul, bang-bang, homeless guy dead.
#2. Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee
Now, why on Earth would Trump shoot the leader of the party whose nomination he’s seeking? Because the very voters whose support he’s seeking to gain pretty much hate Priebus and the party, that’s why. If they didn’t hate the GOP establishment, Trump would be tanking, if not out of the race by now. In the last sixty years, when has another leading candidate come right out and suggested we use a religious text to exclude certain people from entering the country? When in the last sixty years has a candidate running for national office used blatant, not dog-whistle or subtle, xenophobia to rile up the masses? Trump and his people have clearly seen that the GOP establishment is barely tolerated by the GOP voters, and that’s why he has manhandled them so well, and we all know that shooting a member of the establishment would only make him look like the gunslinger maverick asshole that Republicans wet themselves with anticipation to vote for, so Preibus should probably invest in a Kevlar vest and helmet.
#1. Donald J. Trump
The reality is that as popular as The Trumpster Fire has become to his base and as much as even rank and file Republicans are starting to fall in behind him…he’s still a douchey, arrogant, hot-winded asshole. He’s the very same kind of asshole that has been successfully mocked and derided by Democratic presidential candidates the last decade. Trump is the embodiment of a party that is equally obsessed with dismantling the social progress of the 20th century as they are the economic safeguards that were put in place then as well. This makes Trump tremendously unpopular among the general populace, and therefore, the perfect person for Trump to shoot. That’s right, if Donald Trump really wants to shot someone and have everyone in the country applaud, he should press the muzzle of his gun into his right buttock…and squeeze…oh, the trigger, not his buttcheeks. No one wants to see a clenched Trump Ass. No one.