In his testimony before Congress this week, FBI Director James Comey said that it made him “mildly nauseous” to think that when he made the very out of the ordinary decision to announce to the country, and indeed the world, that his bureau was re-opening its investigation into Hillary Clinton’s private email server just days before the election he tipped it into Donald Trump’s favor. This, to me, was a fairly hilarious thing to say. Considering the tremendous amount of chaos, uncertainty, and anxiety that has surrounded literally every element of Trump’s presidency so far, I would personally do more than find myself being a little nauseous about helping Trump win; I’d want to find the nearest, shortest pier and take the longest walk possible from it.
But you know, I’m probably just being a dick. How dare I care so much about this country and its people that I would consider the election of the most unqualified, least ethical, downright meanest and frankly stupidest person to the highest office in the country a tragedy that would make me really angry and hate myself if I had contributed to its fruition in anyway, right? Also, how dare I write such long goddamned fucking sentences?
Anyway, I started thinking about it, and I think I came up with a few more things that Mr. Comey might find makes him “mildly nauseous,” so here goes!
#5. Kids With Cancer Potentially Losing Their Chemotherapy After Obamacare Is Repealed
Most of us would feel so bad about helping elect the guy who would gleefully knock out the legal underpinning of our healthcare industry that we’d vomit our entire souls through our noses. Comey? Eh, whatever, maaaannn. It would’ve been, like, way worser and stuff for him to keep his fucking mouth shut about an open investigation, as had been the practice of the FBI, oh, you know, every single goddamned other time. Besides, he was really doing those sick kids a favor by hastening their departure from Trump’s America anyway, yeah?
#4. An Economic Collapse Worse Than 2008
If Trump’s budget gets through, it would blow an enormous hole in the budget. It would give tons of tax breaks to the rich, and it would put us right back on a path toward 2008 when coupled with deregulating everything and anything under the guise of “creating more jobs.” Except we all know all that really happens is that banks start getting greedy/greedier, they start taking stupid risks with our money, and the next economic collapse won’t have the steady hand of the genius George W. Bush for the first few months before handing it off to Obama. But hey, don’t worry Comey, you can sleep easy because you know, stuff and things.
#3. Teenage Girls Dying in Botched Back Alley Abortions
“Oh, la-di-da, so I might have helped a craven, callous, uninformed misanthrope and his cadre of fiscal sociopaths into the White House, but it’s not like they’re going to push for some kind of crazy thing like upending Roe vs. Wade, right?” I’m sure something like that went through Comey’s head. And truthfully, we have no idea if Neil Gorsuch would help dismantle a woman’s right to choose, but we know he helped Hobby Lobby gain the ability to deny their employees the contraception they want to pay for out of their own paychecks. So odds are he’d probably be willing to move the country back a few decades on the subject. But don’t worry, Jim, I’m sure you’ll be able to prosecute tons of doctors for performing the operation that women have been seeking and getting for centuries, with or without permission from old men in suits.
#2. Smelling Chris Christie’s Farts
Okay, to be fair, this would make just about everyone pretty nauseous. And to be even fairer to me, I needed to fill some space. To be yet again even fairer still to me, fart jokes are awesome, and when they’re about a big, fat, blovating piece of shit like Christie, they’re even better. When they’re about Christie working for a big, fat, ORANGE, bloviating piece of shit, they’re priceless.
#1. Nuclear Fallout
Chances are that when Capt. Stubby Fingers orders a nuclear strike on North Korea, Iran, or California when he realizes how much people hate him here, that he’ll be laughed at and ignored. Hopefully, he’d be impeached for suggesting it. But hey, you never know, do you? Republicans love to play tough, and if their Dipshit in Chief orders it, maybe they’ll do it on GP. So I hope James Comey can sleep well at night and it doesn’t upset his tum-tums too much thinking he might have helped give an unstable dictator access to nuclear weapons.
But you know…her emails.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.