Someone at CalTech thinks they’ve found a new planet in our solar system. Dubbed “Planet 9,” for now, the race has already begun to name the new planet. Since he’s the chairman of the Senate subcommittee that covers the purse strings for NASA and space exploration in general, no one should be surprised if Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) takes a break from his presidential campaign to suggest a few names for Planet 9, and here are five we think he’ll suggest.
#5. Planet “Fuck Science”
When Cruz was named the chairman of the Subcommittee on Space, Science, and Competitiveness most people who have even a passing interest in science were bewildered. Cruz is a climate denier in the worst way. He believes a developing zygote should have full a full battery of constitutional rights. That’s why he’d probably be very willing to name the new celestial body “Planet Fuck Science,” but that’s not “fuck science” as in the science of fucking. That’s “fuck science” as in “science is dumb, fuck science.” Cruz is just classy enough to do it, in the name of American patriotism, of course. Who needs science when you have centuries’ old religious texts?
#4. Planet “Jesus”
Maybe he wouldn’t take a direct shot at the field of scientific research with his name suggestion. Perhaps he’d try to simply put his religion above science by suggesting we name the planet after Jesus Christ. It damn sure wouldn’t be the first time — nor would it be the last time — that he implies believing in unprovable deities is somehow the same or better than having a good, at least rudimentary understanding of basic scientific principles, would it?
Wouldn’t he rather name the planet after Ronald Reagan, you ask? No, of course not. Like any good Tea Partier, Cruz knows Reagan was actually very liberal. After all, he gave amnesty to human beings! Human beings I tell you! And he also raised taxes many times during his eight years, proving to Tea Partiers everywhere he was a typical, tax and spend RINO. Senator Ted Cruz would rather name the planet after a real patriot that had the balls to question his fellow Americans on their private political views as if being a communist was something forbidden by the Constitution anyway, Senator Joseph McCarthy. Honestly, the similarities between Cruz and McCarthy are so great many probably think the Texan-Cuban Republican is just the Commie-hater reincarnated.
#2. Planet “Spaceball”
So he’s missing the mustache, but I can’t help but think that President Scroob from the movie “Spaceballs” runs the galaxy a lot like Ted Cruz would run the country. He’d plunder resources to make a buck today. He’d demand fealty and allegiance to the nation as if it were a church itself. I mean, would we really be all that surprised if one day Cruz is president and he says he’s going to bomb Syria or Iran to get their fresh air supply?
#1.Planet “Nobody Likes Me”
If I were Ted Cruz, and believe me I go to bed every night thanking non-existent God for the fact that I am not, then I would probably be very suicidal right now. So toxic is his personality, so reviled is he by not only Democrats but within his own party that he can’t even overtake Donald “Yooge Fuckin’ Asshole” Trump. To add derpy insult to injury, his pal Sarah Palin — who helped get Cruz elected to the Senate in Texas — just endorsed Trump too. Literally no one likes Ted Cruz except his family, and after watching the raw, unedited footage of his commercials and how he treats them, something tells me he drinks a lot of his family member’s piss in his sodas at barbecues, because he is just as smug and trite an asshole to them as he is to the rest of us. Nobody likes Ted Cruz. Nobody.