Ben Carson, Housing Secretary and former brain surgeon, just told the world that he thinks of the Africans who were brought to the United States after being sold into slavery as “immigrants.” Yes, you read that right. Immigrants. A fucking brain surgeon who is also a fucking cabinet member actually said slaves were immigrants. And to top it all off…Ben Carson is black. The stunning idiocy of his statement is probably best summed up by the inimitable Samuel L. Jackson via Twitter.

That hashtag had me laughing hysterically for about five minutes straight. Now, I think it’s pretty self-evident just how stupid a remark Ben Carson made about slavery, so rather than bleat on and on for a few hundred words about how stupid it is to call people who were kidnapped against their will, stuffed onto slave ships they might not live to see the end of the journey in, and then sold as literal property to immigrants who move freely, let’s have some good ol’ fashioned fun at Ben’s expense instead. After all, we know that his remarks were just tailored to help fit the narrative of the Trump administration that we can’t trust people unless they’re white and were born here.

So I decided to do a little exercise and try to come up with as many different horrible things that Ben Carson believes about slavery, and here are some of those ideas, below.

#5. They Weren’t Slaves, They Were Just Alternative Interns

African slaves were literally not human and only considered property by the federal government for about a hundred years, but does that really mean they were, like, “slaves” and stuff? I mean, basically all that happened was that they were forced to work for no money. If you discount all that “kidnapping” and “forced breeding” and “rape” and “selling off your family” malarkey. But we have people alive today that work for massive, super-rich companies and they don’t get paid either. We call them “interns” now.

Sure, slaves didn’t college credit, but, I mean…you know…uh…man, it’s hard “thinking” like Carson does.

#4. They Weren’t Slaves, They Were Just Alternative Dependent Children

If you take all that “human rights violation” talk out of the issue of slavery, and look at it dispassionately, from a 50,000-feet high level, slavery wasn’t so bad, was it? Free rent. Who wouldn’t want free rent? Free food. Who wouldn’t want free food? You know, we provide these things to our kids all the time, and we don’t put a negative context around the word “children,” so why are we all freaking out over the word “slavery,” just because, like, some people were abused horrifically for many, many generations and there are still such a large number of people here who can’t be bothered to care that the effects are still largely felt to this day? 

Well, okay, I guess you can do that if you want…it is still a free country…for now.

#3. Slavery Built Character

You know, they say sometimes that “What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger.” Now, people definitely died in slavery, but let’s just ignore that fact. Instead, let’s shift our perspective and realize together that slavery was a great character builder! Think about it! We wouldn’t have any of the characters from “Roots,” “12 Years a Slave,” or “D’jango Unchained” if it weren’t for slavery. So in a way, aren’t we being a little too harsh on slavery here? I knew you’d agree!

#2. They Weren’t In Slavery, They Were Trying Out A New Workout And Lifestyle Approach To Get Fit And Healthy

Is slavery really all that bad? You can’t help but become a stronger person through it. I mean, literally, because you’ll be doing so much manual labor your body will strengthen and tone itself. So if you think about it, slave owners were really just gym owners way, way, way ahead of their time. You know, if gym owners were all racist assholes or whatever.

#1. Slaves Were Mostly Thankful For Their Slavery Because They’d Just Be At Home Playing Video Games Otherwise

If Ben Carson knows anything, and that is certainly up for a good debate, it’s that kids these days don’t do enough work. All they do is sit at home and play their Atari 2600s, eat Fruit By The Foot, and drink Sunny D. That’s why Ben feels pretty strongly that if you were to poll slaves back in the day, they’d probably all feel really thankful. Slavery gave their lives a purpose, a meaning. Otherwise they’d be the ones sitting at home all day playing video games and not doing anything. You know, if there was, like, electricity and video games and shit back in the day.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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