Alleged billionaire and presumptive Republican nominee Donald J. Trump announced officially that he has chosen Indiana’s governor, Mike Pence, as his running mate. Unless you’re hardcore into politics, you might know a whole lot about the man Trump feels is competent enough to be one missed heartbeat away from the Oval Office’s big boy chair. But never fear! We’ve scoured the Internet and come up with five fun facts about Pence, and we think you’ll find them quite informative!
#5. He Has Always Loved Ignorant, Under-qualified, Protofascist Morons
Why else would Pence be in the party that denies both that climate change is real and that we should do anything about it? He’s in the party that insists a blastocyst or zygote has every right to supersede the rights of its host organism, despite about a 50/50 chance of it aborting on its own. The party that thinks “small government” means you get to see inside people’s bedrooms and bathrooms is the one Pence belongs to, so clearly he has passionate about his love for ignorant, under-qualified, protofascist morons, and we really admire his consistency, don’t we?
#4. He Thinks Donald’s “Hair” is “Real”
I mean, wouldn’t you kinda have to in order to work around him consistently? I know I would. I couldn’t possibly work for eight or ten hours a day with someone who is so fake and phony they can’t even admit that their hair is a toupee, much less that it looks horrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible, much less that they’re a racist, bloviating, piece of shit. Could you? I didn’t think so. So Pence must surely think Trump’s hair is real too, otherwise it’s just one more example of how politicians are willing to sacrifice their personal morality for the sake of more power, but nah, that couldn’t be it, right? Right? Right?
#3. He Believes You Should Have To Marry His Daughter If You Rape Her
Now, to be fair I couldn’t find a single quote from Pence about daughter rape and marriage, but Time did a great job of summarizing the best/worst of his anti-LGBT comments. This paints the picture of someone who believes only in the biblical definition of marriage. Since in the Bible there are rules about marriage that pertain to raping one’s daughter, I can only presume that Pence is 100% okay with the Bible’s interpretation of marriage being the only correct one, and therefore should the absolutely unthinkable happen and one of his daughters is raped, he would be totally okay with her being forced by law to marry her rapist. Because that’s the kind of shit that makes sense when you hold centuries’ old religious text with such high regard.
#2. He Thinks A Woman Should Have The Right To Choose — Making Cookies or Sandwiches For Her Husband
Mike Pence is known as a social conservative. Which makes sense because he’s conservative as fuck. His state actually locked someone up last year for violating their abortion laws, even though it was highly likely the abortion in the case was actually a miscarriage. And yes, it was the pregnant woman who was thrown in jail. So yeah, if you’re looking for a man who will understand that times change, people change, and therefore our views of sexual autonomy have changed, well, Mike’s not your guy. But if you want someone to give the government the power to crawl inside your pee hole, well, give Mikey a ringy-dingy, will you?
#1. He Was Born Without A Principles Gland
Is there actually a gland in our bodies where we got our morals, scruples, and principles from? No. But the fact remains that Pence has agreed to be the running mate of a man who floated an idea so repulsive to Pence that he tweeted this in response, which makes it pretty plain to see that Pence is just another cynical politician with no real rudder whatsoever.
Calls to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. are offensive and unconstitutional.
— Governor Mike Pence (@GovPenceIN) December 8, 2015