Are you a Bernie Supporter who’s afraid they can’t feel the Bern after Hillary Clinton’s showing in the Super Tuesday primaries and caucuses? GOOD! You should be so downtrodden you do the only thing real Americans do — settle, and settle fast. Look at all your friends. Are they currently married to or sleeping with the hottest people on the planet? Of course not. They settled, and so should you!

Don’t believe us, shut up and read this list of reasons every Bernie Supporter should give up hope for his success.

#4. Hillary’s President Right Now

2016 is starting just how 2008 started. Hillary is presumed by everyone in the punditry class to own the nomination already, with it only being hers to lose. She’s also got a lead in delegates and presumed superdelegates, just like was the case in 2008 when she ran against that one guy no one can remember…what was his name? Something about Bin Laden or something? Anyway, the point is that since Hillary is already president thanks to her inevitable success in 2008, this one is already sewn up. Pay no attention to the fact that she stuck around until June, either. That’s really none of your concern. Abandon all hope, now.

#3. Just Because President Hillary Clinton Didn’t Drop Out of 2008’s Primary Until June, Doesn’t Mean Bernie Should Stick it Out

Not only did Hillary win in 2008 because she was the fated nominee, predestined to assume her rightful, God-given place on the throne — er, sitting in the Oval Office –but she stayed in the race until June of that year. To some, that would indicate that Sanders should stick out, especially because he’s won enough state’s delegates already that it could signal a shift in the all-important superdelegate count if he wins a few more, but those people are dumb-dumb stupid heads. Just because Clinton did it in 2008, that doesn’t mean Sanders shouldn’t just drop out now. After all, that Obama guy kept going even when he was losing initially to Clinton and it’s not like anyone even knows where he is now, right?

#2. Because Everyone in the Media is Telling You To, Stupid!

Sure, there are well over half the states left, and Bernie is polling extremely well there…but who cares? Shut up! The media believes Hillary’s got this locked up, history and election results be damned. And let’s make one thing clear — people who get paid to predict stuff but never be held accountable if they’re wrong are infallible. Sure, every single person who picked Hillary to win in 2008 was ultimately wrong, and sure those same people are repeating prettttttty much the same exact lines now, but hey, again, shut up! The elites know what’s best for us, everyone knows that.

#1. President Hillary Is Winning States She Has No Chance of Carrying in the General, Which is Totally a Good Thing!

Look, a discerning eye might glean something kind of scary for President Clinton II: She’s not winning the states she should to be the mantle bearer for her party. Sure, she’s winning in states that no Democrat should remotely consider in play in the General — like Arkansas and Tennessee — but that doesn’t mean anything! The machine has it all set it up perfectly, so stop second guessing her. Sure, Sanders has so many states in play that work to his advantage that he could easily win and swing superdelegates his way, and yes, if you slice out the superdelegate counts Hillary is barely ahead of Sanders, and sure, we guess if you look at the head-to-head polling of Sanders versus Republicans he wins handily, but again: You don’t know as much as other people do. So lay back and think of Democratic Party victories, no matter how much history or logic dictates this thing is far from over!


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